Would that I could pray this prayer with no doubt

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you--
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me
And in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul.

I offer it to you
With all the love of my heart.
For I love you Lord,
And so need to give myself--

To surrender myself into your hands
Without reserve,
And with boundless confidence
For you are my Father.

--Charles DeFoucalt

Flying deep

To dig deep,
burrying in the turf,
slowly poking top through mud
green, leaves, fruit
but watch that your feet do not become too accustomed to the ground

For we were also meant to fly
to be one with the ground, but also kin to the eagle.
Not to migrate,
no, to fly only when you fly from trouble is a giving up
But to rise on the wings of the morning
and to dig deep with your wings
not forgetting where you come from, nor the vision of light ahead

Wealth and Riches

Today's sermon at Church of the Redeemer--by Kevin Blue, and the Holy Spirit speaking through him--really challenged me again about how I spend money. I've been eating out alot--it's almost become a habit for me to eat out almost every day!!!!!! Which is ridiculous for me, and humbling for me to say it out loud. Although sometimes that just amounts to a dollar sandwhich at Mcdonalds, I still am ashamed at how much I've been spending on food. I'm so easily swayed by others around me--most of my coworkers buy lunch out when we have lunch together before going out and canvassing (raising money for homeless kids door to door). Because I've been in a sort of transitional period (moving from south LA to Westwood) I've justified the spending of my money on fast food because of that. It just proves to me how easily the words "Hypocrite!" (even if left unspoken) rebound back to me. It is very easy for me to judge the people I talk to every day at my job who respond to my plea for funds with a "not interested" or "I already give" or "maybe later" or "I give to my church" or "Get the F@$% away!" But here I am, using the precious little God has entrusted to me on expensive food that could have been used to feed others who are hungrier.
Thankfully I had time yesterday to go grocery shopping, but the lack of a microwave in my new apartment makes things a little tricky. Cereal is good though :)



“Wealth and riches, that is, an estate above what sufficeth our real occasions and necessities, is in no other sense a 'blessing' than as it is an opportunity put into our hands, by the providence of God, of doing more good.”
—John Tillotson

Conversation with Jacob in Gchat

me: hey!
I'm reading your blog [smile]
Jacob: hey!
me: I love you bro [smile]
Jacob: cool
dude, i love you too
i really do
me: [smile]
Jacob: i am glad to hear from you
me: me too
ha ha
I had a tough day today

God is soo good to us
I borrowed Richard's car today to go scouting today
and I had an accident [frown]
the start of my trouble
Jacob: oh no
me: I was driving up a narrow street, dead end, turning around
Jacob: tell me about it
me: and I bumped into a car in front of me
just paint chipped off, but I was freaked out, and drove away
away because I was afraid
of the car's owner
of richard
of God
Jacob: was the car parked?
me: yeah
Jacob: was the owner there?
me: and I drove around in a turmoil
nope
doing more scouting for my job
and then just realized I had to go back
and leave a note
I had even called richard before that point
and implied that I had had the accident while driving
Jacob: ohh
me: I decieved him in my message on his phone
and then I went back, left the note
and had a cry session
felt like my heart was being ripped out
I called my boss, telling her that I didn't think I could finish scouting, and why
and then drove back, and went into the Kevin's house
and Richard was in his room worshipping God
and I knocked and he welcomed me in
like God does
and I poured out my broken soul
Jacob: wow
me: and he accepted me
as I am
Jacob: it was richard's car?
me: and we prayed and I cried
yeah
Jacob: wow
me: and it was a good time together
with Jesus
Jacob: thats awesome
me: we were filled with longing
yeah
for Home
Jacob: ahhh
amen my brother
me: and then I rode Charlton's bike back
Jacob: sigh
me: (he's letting me borrow it
amen [smile]
all the way back to westwood
and here I am
a tired little boy
[smile]
but at peace
Jacob: praise God
me: oh, I forgot to tell you
this is the SEcond time I had an accident while borrowing Richard's car!!!!!!!
and the same bumper
Jacob: oohhh
me: last time I was in the parking lot of the midnight mission
and bumped the front into a pole while turning out
reversing
so that's part of why I felt so crushed and broken
Jacob: i see
but there was grace for you,
as there always is
me: yeah amen to that [smile]
thanks for listening
Jacob: yeah man

Roll the Dice

Roll the Dice
by Charles Bukowski

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.

What deaths have you yet to die!

My yoke is easy and my burden is light
(but it is a yoke, and it is a burden)

Why have you suffered so little, o ye of little faith!

Take my yoke upon you
You cannot take one step without my Love.

Your promise sustains me

I will never leave you nor forsake you

Don't be sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises

Jesus People USA #2

Well, I have spent the last month or so at Jesus People USA, (with the exception of 5 days at Urbana, which rocked). So far, I have found my faith in God encouraged by the example of people around me, but at the same time, I have grown quite flabby in my love for Jesus. It is easy to get fat if you don't excercise, and I have not been excercising. Thus, once again, I find that ease and comfort (even though they may be accompanied by structured Bible studies, etc.) all to often lead me to give in to wasting precious time on frivolous activities. Although the social environment at JPUSA is relatively warm and welcoming, it all-to-easily becomes very inwardly-focused. For example, it is very easy to spend a whole week at JPUSA without going out, meeting people of the city, etc., because all of your needs are provided for within the building of JPUSA--work, food, laundry, entertainment, etc. So, early on, I encountered a guy named Nick, who went out almost every week on a trip into the city on a bike with his friend to talk with people about Jesus. I was encouraged by his example, but as of yet, I have still not done anything to follow his example. (He left before Gus and I left for Urbana). In the meantime, I have watched a number of movies and played a number of rounds of Bang (an amazing card game that is quite a crowd pleaser, though I play it too much). This is the culture of JPUSA--work, then hang out and goof off. So I'm trying to learn how to be intentional about loving the poor, even when I'm in an environment of other believers who say they love the poor, but are still learning how to practically carry it out.