Stranger in this Place

After a long absence

2009-04-01T20:34:00.000-07:00

I recently flew back east to lead a workshop on living the lifestyle of a missionary in the here and now, and spent a few days in Pittsburgh after the conference. I hung out with my friend Amanda after spending a leisurely morning at a hospitable community called Friendship House. It's located in a small neighborhood named Friendship near the edge of the modest city of Pittsburgh. Right outside of Friendship house, Friendship Ave stretches, connecting a line of houses in a community that has felt the pain of poverty and gentrification, but this beautiful community has been involved for at least a decade. Before spending time with Amanda, I helped serve in their after school program, shooting some hoops with some middle schoolers and listening to John Paul deliver a litergy to the kids in the midst of their raucous noise. After that time, I went with Amanda to a local coffee shop that unfortunately was closing down in a week due to lack of business. There were a number (about six or seven) neighborhood kids hanging out inside the shop, which gave it a homey feel, and they immediately gravitated to Amanda and me, so we started playing chess with them. The lady behind the counter offered them some hot chocolate in tiny little mugs, and it all contributed to a feeling that this little coffee shop felt like a bit of heaven on earth.

Chris

2008-11-12T20:41:00.001-08:00

A couple days ago I was chilling outside of the local police department (just because I needed a place to sit while I waited for a friend) and a white guy walks out muttering under his breath (but loud enough for me to hear) "I just can't take it anymore, I can't stop, I can't take it anymore." I looked at him, and he looked at me, and I asked him what the problem was. "I can't stop."
"What can't you stop?"
"Heroin."
I talked with him for the next five minutes encouraging him to seek Christ and gave him my number. I also mentioned the church I've been going to, and he seemed really interested, because I told him that it's the kind of church that accepts people whoever they are--homeless, gay, yuppie, black, white, latino, whoever. I hope he calls me, and I'm praying that God will give him enough realization of his need that he will seek more help.

New paradigm on evangelism

2008-11-08T14:29:00.000-08:00

I was reading in Christianity Today from the July 08 edition, and read an article about a way of sharing Jesus with people called the "Big Story." The Four Spiritual Laws are replaced by four circles, with the following four captions. The first circle starts in the top left side of the page, the second one the top right side, etc.
Circle 1. Designed for Good
Circle 2. Damaged by evil
Circle 3. Restored for better
Circle 4. Sent together to heal

I like the emphasis that James Choung puts on the kingdom of God in his presentation of the gospel in these four circles. It's not just about me and Jesus--it's about joining in the work of the kingdom! A point that James makes in the article is that in explaining the diagram to people, many try to jump from circle 2 to circle 4, but it is impossible without the intervention of Jesus through the cross in circle 3.

2008-11-01T19:13:00.000-07:00

"The idolatry of money means that the moral worth of a person is judged in terms of the amount of money possessed or controlled. The acquisition and accumulation of money in itself is considered evidence of virtue. It does not so much matter how money is acquired--by work or invention, through inheritance or marriage, by luck or theft--the main thing is to get some. The corollary of this doctrine, of course, is that those without money are morally inferior--weak, or indolent, or otherwise less worthy as human beings. Where money is an idol, to be poor is a sin.
This is an obscene idea of justification, directly in contradiction with the Bible. In the gospel none are saved by any works of their own, least of all by the mere acquisition of money. In fact, the New Testament is redundant in citing the possession of riches as an impediment to salvation when money is regarded idolatrously. At the same time, the notion of justification by acquisition of money is empirically absurd, for it oversimplifies the relationship of the prosperous and the poor and overlooks the dependence of the rich upon the poor for their wealth. In this world human beings live at each other's expense, and the affluence of the few is proximately related to, and supported by, the poverty of the many.
This interdependence of rich and poor is something Americans are tempted to overlook, since so many Americans are in fact prosperous, but it is true today as it was in earlier times: the vast multitudes of people on the face of the earth are consigned to poverty for their whole lives, without any serious prospect whatever of changing their conditions. Their hardships in great measure make possible the comfort of those who are not poor; their poverty maintains the luxury of others; their deprivation purchases the abundance most Americans take for granted."
Pg. 245-246 "A Keeper of the Word," by Kellerman

Seminaries

2008-11-01T18:57:00.000-07:00

"The seminaries have generally been so covetous of academic recognition and so anxious for locus within the ethos and hierarchy of the university that they have not noticed how alien and hostile those premises are to the peculiar vocation of a seminary. thus the seminaries succumb to disseminating ideological renditions of the faith that demean the vitality of the biblical witness by engaging in endless classifications and comparisons of ideas. All this eschews commitment and precludes a confessional study of theology...the appropriate location of the seminary is within the church, the Body of Christ, and not within the university. The seminary's manner in the preparation and qualification of those to be ordained should exemplify the church rather than imitate the university...In short, the enthrallment of the seminary within the ideology of the university sponsors a professionalization of the ordained ministry that aborts the edification of the people of the church and that contradicts the servant character of the clergy's vocation."
pgs. 257-258, "A Keeper of the Word" by Kellerman

Are American churches viable political threats?

2008-11-01T18:47:00.000-07:00

"...The churches in America are more innocuous...there is an elaborate American comity by which political domination of the churches is sanctioned by the status of church property holdings. Thus, tax exemption for the churches inhibits a critical political witness by the churches. Thus, a presidential assurance of aid to church-related schools can in sure the silence of the ecclesiastical hierarchy on certain public issues. In short, the dependence of the American churches upon property renders the churches so utterly vulnerable to political manipulation as to obviate a more direct ecclesiastical interference."
pg. 271 "A Keeper of the Word" by Kellerman

Fear nothing

2008-10-23T13:47:00.000-07:00

"Remember, now, that the state has only one power it can use against human beings: death. The state can persecute you, prosecute you, imprison you, exile you, execute you. All of these mean the same thing. The state can consign you to death. The grace of Jesus Christ in this life is that death fails. There is nothing the state can do to you, or to me, which we need fear."
--William Stringfellow, from when he was asked to give a short word to a group of believers meeting together to support Daniel Berrigan and others from the "Catonsville Nine," who were on trial at the time. I've been reading from "A Keeper of the Word," an anthology of Stringfellow's writings by Bill Wylie-Kellerman. I highly recommend it.

Teddy Bear

2008-10-23T13:32:00.000-07:00

After the after school program finished on Tuesday, I walked around downtown for a while, deep in thought, and I heard a voice from the side of the sidewalk ask me, "is that a guitar?" pointing to the little travelers guitar I had over my shoulder. I turned, smiled and began a conversation with this elderly black man who had three or four cigarette packs neatly displayed on a handkerchief in front of him. As we talked about four or five people interupted our conversation to ask him for something, and he would either sell them a cigarette for 25 cents or deny them their request. The street was kind of noisy, so I couldn't hear everything that was said, but I gathered that he also sold other drugs besides nicotine, but didn't want to sell them with me around. He soon introduced himself as "Teddy bear" and proceeded to lift up his shirt and reveal a bright blue teddy bear hiding in his pocket. When I offered to let him play my guitar, he was surprised and exceptionally grateful, saying something to the effect that this was the nicest thing someone had done for him in a while. He offered a seat next to him by laying out a folded up towel for me to sit on, and I sat next to him and chatted while he idly played some blues licks. He seemed to have a good amount of skill from accumulated years of experience, yet it also seemed as though it had been a while since he had a guitar in his hands. Although it was very hard for me to understand what he was saying, he seemed to be spiritually attentive, and was concerned for my safety on the streets. When I got a call from a friend I was planning on hanging out with, I bid him farewell, and we both promised that we'd see eachother again.

Farewells, Cookie, and Old Macdonald

2008-10-15T10:31:00.000-07:00

I went to my normal hangout after a sad night at the youth program. One of our longest standing staff will be leaving in three weeks (she has been there for seven years), and one of the kids, Christopher, lost his best friend to a shot from a gang. I sat with him for a while, not saying much, just asking an occasional question, and letting him share. I listened to Lisa sharing her heart with the kids, a kind of matriarchal farewell blessing to them, encouraging them that she loved them all dearly and was simply seeking to follow God's will for her life. I left the room without saying goodbye to that many people and on the way to my spot outside of Pinkberry I noticed an older lady in front of me, wearing scraggly clothing and a blanket over her back which was slightly dragging, and I wondered if there was anything else she was dragging behind her in her life. I thought she was mumbling to herself, so I cautiously greeted her, only to be surprised at the lucidity of her response. She gave me a big smile and asked me if I had any cigarettes. My negative response didn't end our conversation, and I gratefully chatted with her about where I was from and where I lived as we walked over to Little Tokyo. As we passed by a bench outside of a frozen yogurt shop, she asked me to sit down and wait for her while she got a cigarette. She came back not only with a cigarette but with a little plastic tray full of slightly melted mochi, a delicious mixture of icecream balls wrapped in a yummy gummy bread. I ended eating four of the six because she had just had a big meal. Apparently, she was able to live completely off of unfinished meals of patrons of restaurants in the area. She was born in South Korea originally, and married a U.S. soldier. She told me the marriage didn't last for long--only a couple of years, leaving her out on the streets, unable to have much contact with her family in Korea. Although she misses them, she also mentioned to me that it is good for her to be here, where there is plenty of food to eat. I am in complete agreement. After she left with kind words, I went back to a bench to play my guitar for a while, and a man came up to me with a grin and an "Eyi eyi oh" in greeting, and proceeded to share a joke with me (I can't remember what it was, but it had a slightly off color ending). As we chatted a bit, he complemented me on my upbringing--I must have good parents (which I do). I offered him a couple bucks (he hadn't asked anything of me) and he shared another joke, interspersed with occasional Eyi eyi oh's, so I asked him if he was Old Macdonald, and yes apparently that is what some people call him.

Interview in Portland, revisited

2008-10-05T18:32:00.000-07:00

Well, I earlier posted a link to an interview a journalist had with me when I was sleeping on the streets of Portland. The link didn't work for a while, but then resurfaced so now I'm going to post the whole article so as not to lose it again. I pretty much agree with what I said back then, except for my comments about marriage--back then, I make it sound as if I'm only interested in dating or marriage with someone who wants or is open to living the homeless lifestyle. That's no longer true.

The following is a section of an online book called Youth Stories by Eric Marley.

Chapter 3 Nathan

Sometimes I am frustrated by my inability to go back and ask follow-up questions. Nathan is one of the best examples I can site of this inadequacy, including what are probably poor technical interviewing techniques as well. However, he is a good example of the educated homeless; those whose stated reason to be on the street are different than the standard ones. My frustration with this interview is my inability to get to the bottom of the real reason for his homelessness. I think it has more to do with his "weakness" than he is admitting. That notwithstanding, he was an interesting young man and a breath of fresh air – a nice change from some of the more heart-wrenching stories I'd heard that day.

Nathan was laying in a doorway at about 8 am on March 10, 2007 when we first passed him. After another interview we passed by him again and he was rolling his sleeping bag. I noticed his bright eyes, cheerful countenance and North Face sleeping bag – none of these being standard equipment for homeless people. I was overcome with curiosity. This interview is the result of that. Nathan seemed to be an example of one of the good but confused people on the road. He's not addicted to drugs, there was no alcohol on his breath and he certainly doesn't seem to be a violent person. But there were in congruencies, holes in his story. There were also references to some undisclosed weakness that he was battling. This notwithstanding, whether he is being completely honest with himself or not he is almost certainly doing others some good with his ready smile and sense of humor.

Interview: March 10, 2007

Place: Portland, Oregon in a doorway on 9th street near Burnside, about 10:45 am

Weather: Overcast

Subject: Nathan, 23 years old.

Your name?

Nathan.

Where is your hometown?

Well, I grew up overseas in different places. I guess the closest thing is Quakertown, Pennsylvania.

Did you live there long?

Maybe about 3 years total. Not too long.

What's your education level, Nathan?

College graduate.

I knew it!

(We both laugh uproariously)

Where did you graduate from and what was your major?

Grover City College in Pennsylvania. My major was Christian Thought.

Interesting. So why are you out of doors?

I'm traveling. I've been hitchhiking. I want to visit some different Christian communities throughout the US. I also want to learn what it's like to be out in the streets, learn from the people. Just be with them.

What are you learning?

Um, I think I'm learning that it's easy to judge but it's hard to love.

What are you going to do with this information?

I'm trying to explain…it's much easier to learn experientially. But I'm trying to explain through my blog and through emails and stuff to my friends and family just what the lifestyle's like so they can come to a better understanding about how they can relate to the homeless. So I hope to basically tell other people from the middle class so they would come to a better understanding and have more compassion and more wisdom I guess, relating to the homeless.

Why is that important to you? You're a college graduate – you could have a more comfortable life I would imagine.

I worked two years with AmeriCorps. The second year I worked with homeless families. Basically calling up shelters and helping them get into shelters. And I realized that there's a lot of help out there for the homeless, but there is not a lot of compassion. So…I think primarily what we need as a middle class, the people that have their stuff together, to learn how to humble themselves and to help other people out, and not be so concerned about their own needs as the needs of others. And what people out in the streets need is not so much a judgmental attitude, "you need to stop drinking" or "you need to stop drugs", but more of a compassionate, "hey, do you want to sit here and chat?" Not necessarily offering anything, but just becoming friends, and creating that dialogue. I think that for too long we've been separating ourselves – the middle class has been moving out into the suburbs, and leaving the city. Now the rich are moving back into the city and kicking the poor out to who-knows-where – somewhere else.

How is this tied to your spirituality? You obviously consider yourself a spiritual person.

Yes. I've been learning a lot about faith and about life through the eyes of the homeless. I went on this trip because of my faith in Christ. I'd say it's taught me that my weaknesses are still the same when I'm on the streets as they were beforehand. I had this idealistic thing, "well, maybe I won't struggle as much with my pet sins because I'll have to be constantly relying on God to help me through this. Boy, that was a big mistake.

So they're still there.

Oh yeah. So, I'm going back to LA because…I guess that's my new hometown since I stayed there two years recently.

Was that also with AmeriCorps?
Yes, but I was also doing an internship with a missionary group called "Servants To Partners." They sent teams overseas to the slums, so, I'm going to go back there and kind of reconnect with some friends and develop more of accountability, a stronger accountability.

Tell me about your family. How do they feel about you being out here – are they worried?

Um, I think my parents are okay with me being out here. They were Christian missionaries.

They were? So they probably had similar experiences?

I would say my lifestyle growing up in Korea and South Africa was maybe slightly lower middle class lifestyle of an American so I was pretty comfortable growing up. Since then I've come to a deeper conviction of the reality of suffering in the world and the need to take on some of that suffering in order to be a real person. To be involved in helping other people and being "Jesus" to them.

I think the Christian doctrine is that Jesus "descended below all things", so you are really trying to emulate his path, is that correct?

Yes, I think that in following Jesus – which is essentially what being a Christian is – it's not all the other things that people add on. I don't even label myself a Christian because people misunderstand what it means. Yeah, so, following Jesus means taking up your cross, which means suffering. He said if anyone would come after me he must deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me. So I don't claim to be doing that right now. One of my favorite philosophers, Soren Kierkegaard, said he didn't claim to be a Christian because he didn't think he was actually following the level that Jesus called his followers to follow. But…I'm trying to anyways.

You're making an effort.

Yes, I'm making an effort.

And yet, as an outsider, I'd say you're going through tremendous lengths to try to follow Jesus in your understanding of people that are less advantaged than you.

Yes.

So is it your weaknesses, or things you want to overcome, is that part of it, too?

Yes, I'd say it is. Some people distinguish between their 'social gospel' and there's this whole camp of people like that and then there's this other camp of people that are all about holiness. "Oh I have to not do certain things, or be a certain person." Well, I think Jesus encapsulates both of those together. He was a very holy person – and to distinguish holiness again from what some people think Christians view to be, such as not smoking and drinking and all that stuff. I'm talking about holiness as being set apart for God's work. God is holy and that means he is set apart. So that means…it's very complicated since he's also with us. So…um, I think that the important thing is for personal holiness, values, to also be motivated by love, which means action. Right now I'm struggling with personal holiness values. So I need to kind of reconnect with God on a personal level to deal with some of those issues. So and then I'll better be able to help others out. You can't help others if you're not working and trying to help yourself.

Where do you want to be in 5 years?

I'd like to be two places in five years. Either overseas with a team such as Servants To Partners helping to see Gods kingdom come into a third world slum or somewhere here in the US hitchhiking traveling around on foot, but by that time with an established community that I can always come back to. Um, so there's a community called "Simple Way" in Philadelphia. It's a group of believers that have come together and they are living in a run down area. They live together, pool their resources. So it's not just a community in the sense that they meet together, they also live together.

So it's like a commune?

Yes, exactly. So at that point I'd either like to be overseas or here in the US with a community that I can come back to.

Do you want to have a family of your own someday?

It's kind of up in the air. That's a good question. I do think that my family in a lot of ways is the people I'm with wherever I am. That's one of the things I love about traveling. It's meeting completely new people and establishing this connection – you know you feel like you've been brothers or sisters for a long time. I'm open to eventually getting married. I wouldn't say I'm going to pursue it right now, but I'm hoping to. There aren't too many women out there who want to travel around hitchhiking, sleeping in doorways. (Laughs). But there's a few I think. Actually one of the things that got me interested in this was an article in Prism magazine (an evangelical magazine that talks about issues related to social justice) about this homeless couple in France. One was a former Franciscan priest that started going out on visits with a Franciscan brother, living in shelters and sleeping outside with the homeless – he felt that God was calling him to do this. And actually he met a lady that was serving at a shelter and she wanted to go out with them so the three of them went around for a while. Eventually he got married to her, so he renounced his celibacy vows and they went around as a couple. About three quarters of the year they would be out on the streets.

So is the path you're on now going to help you be where you want to be in 5 years?

Yeah, I've been visiting different communities in the US. I spent a week in a monastery – that was interesting. I also spent a week in a 500 person Christian commune in Chicago. Just north of Chicago they had another one where they had different houses where they would live together. But the one 500 person one in Chicago they all lived in an old hotel, right in uptown Chicago. Jesus People USA. They run a shelter there and it's pretty cool.

What's the name of your blog?

Wannabemendicant.blogspot.com

What is a mendicant?

That's a beggar. The mendicants were, in the earlier church, back in the middle Ages, the mendicant orders were groups of people like Saint Francis and his followers. But I've only panhandled a couple of times. I kind of see it in a spiritual sense – a beggar for God.

Thanks, Nathan.

You're welcome.

http://bookbanshee.securespsite.com/Sociology/Youth%20Stories%20-%20Book%20In%20Progress.doc

The robed stranger

2008-09-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

For the past month, I've noticed a tall white man with a long brown beard (Gandalf style) wearing a blue robe walking around inside the library and nearby it. I had seen him at least 6 times, at various places, and always wanted to approach him, because I suspected he was a Christian, and also homeless, and had seen him with a little travelers Bible. Finally, after getting some grub inside Fatima, I noticed him sitting in the seating outside the doors and determined to introduce myself. He smiled warmly and offered me a seat as we talked about our lives. He was older than I suspected--about 35 (when I thought he was in his late 20's.) He had previously been a truck driver, back east, but felt God was calling him to walk prophetically as a homeless evangelist. He has spent time street preaching, and even challenging authorities with the word of God, i.e. he once went to WB and told the security guard that he'd like to speak to the manager, and when someone came out, he calmly told him that WB needed to repent of making shows that were displeasing to God, and had a gracious conversation about it for a couple minutes. The impression I got of his preaching is that it is usually one on one, and is very gracious--he'll calmly ask people to repent and talk about Jesus with them. This is the style of street confrontation that I would feel most comfortable with doing myself. Stephen (perhaps he was named after the first martyr--indeed he has a desire to be martyred for his faith) spends most of his time during the day praying and reading and talking with people. As we were chatting together in the early evening, several people walked by and greeted him by name. One of them, named Jerry, sat down and talked with us for a while, and Stephen noticed that he had a black bag with pornographic magazines in it. Stephen calmly mentioned to him that it was not pleasing to God for him to view women in that way, and he immediately got very defensive, explaining how he believed that it was ok to masturbate and use pornography, and how he used to be involved in the normal entertainment industry, but couldn't cut it, so now he was trying to get into the porn industry. We calmly shared with him that he couldn't continue in this and still have a viable relationship with Jesus, and I shared from personal experience how sexual sin has cut me off from God. Sadly, he didn't accept our concerns in the moment, but I hope that the Holy Spirit will convict him from the conversation. I was really encouraged to be with Stephen--I felt like we had very similar values in sharing Christ with others. For example, Stephen mentioned after our conversation with Jerry how much he appreciated that I wasn't offended by Jerry's "colorful" language.

The Invitation

2008-09-14T16:20:00.000-07:00

"Come here to me." Amazing! Yes, human compasion does indeed do something for those who labor and are burdened. We feed the hungry, clothe the naked, give charity, build charitable organizations, and if the compassion is really heartfelt, we also visit those who are downtrodden. But to invite them to come to one, that is something that is not so easily done. It would mean that your household and way of life would be completely changed. To invite them in this way would mean to live together in entirely the same manner. You would have to become poor, sharing completely the same conditions as those who are distressed and burdened.
This invitation can only be made by changing your own conditions, so they are in keeping with theirs, provided that your life is not already like theirs, as was the case with him who says, "Come here to me, all you who labor and are burdened."
From Provocations, a collection of the spiritual writings of Soren Kierkegaard

Earth has no Sorrow

2008-09-11T10:52:00.001-07:00

Recently I've been listening to a song by the Vigilantes of Love that I can't get enough of. I love songs that convey struggle--a deep, earnest struggle between sorrow and joy, life and death, peace and war. Here are the lyrics:

it's time to get the lash it's time to get the rope
sharpen the razor grab the microscope
it won't be pretty when they cut the tether
sometimes you lose your address to find your shelter

why is joy something i must steal
starving skeletons looking for a meal
out in the graveyard the church bells peal
earth has no sorrow heaven can't heal

i bought a crap detector it emptied all my savings
it's got a hair trigger feel for the slightest provocation
not there to spill blood or judge out of line
it's just a modern convenience to save you some time

johnny says to sarah as he takes her by the hand
"i hear angels 'cross that river in beulahland"
the waters are cold and they're deep my friend
i'm going down down down and coming up again
i'm checking my closets since i don't know when
surely life is more than learning how to live with your skeletons
wind swing low whisper in my ears
wind swing low dry these tears

From Paul the Walker

2008-09-10T11:52:00.000-07:00

This a quote from Paul's blog (a guy I met at a community out near Chicago called Reba Place--he had spent many years traveling around the US by faith, trusting God and His people to provide for him along the road), in which he describes his opiniont of Jesus' method of transforming the world grassroots:

“Instead of taking the position of "good overlord," he went directly to the bottom, to the people who were oppressed, and showed them how to be free. Not by changing the world around them, but by helping them to change themselves. By showing them the power of faith. So the poor and weak could face their oppressors without fear and refuse to beg from them or be controlled by their threats, obeying only God, their loving Father."

http://cimarronline.blogspot.com

Night Cats

2008-09-09T12:10:00.000-07:00

He was walking a couple feet in front of me, shaggy hair down to his shoulders, looked like he was mixed, and he stomped his feet in front of a young cat, causing it to run under a nearby metallic black fence. "You don't like cats?" I queried, about two meters behind him.
"I love cats--I just wanted him to be safe--it's not safe on these streets," he responded, with a warm, somewhat deeper voice that immediately conveyed to me his goodwill for the cat, and for his neighbor. We chatted for a bit about cats, and he mentioned to me that there was a whole family of cats who lived in the park a block away, so we casually strolled over there, sharing bits and pieces of our separate lives. I was overjoyed to see a cat hanging out by the fence of the park (it's locked at night) and we continued our conversation, which now moved onto more spiritual matters. He has been a follower of Jesus for several years, after traveling to Europe, and living homelessly there and in the US, where he met Jesus through some loving people at the Los Angeles Mission. He plans to leave in a couple of days in order to do a sixth month stint at a program outside the city (he confessed he has been taking consolation in drinking, more recently. After a little while, an older lady came next to the park, pushing her large grocery cart brimming with her stuff, and dropped a large pile of cat food past the wrought iron gate for the cats to feed on--and they came--probably five or six of them at various sizes. Ben called her "mama" and introduced me to her. She was hunched over and when I talked with her after Ben left, she seemed to be somewhat senile. The parts of what she said that I could make out broke my heart--how she had been "sodomized" when she was homeless, but now stayed inside. I bade my farewell, after she said she had to leave because she had a busy night, and might not get much sleep (I have no idea what she was going to be doing). I hope to see the cats, and Ben, and Mama, again.

Moving from Azusa street

2008-09-02T20:27:00.000-07:00

Three nights ago, I was woken up by one of the quasi cops (the city hires people who wear purple shirts to go around downtown to help out the cops) who told me that I wouldn't be allowed to sleep there anymore due to an increased number of break-ins in the area (because I wasn't technically sleeping in the appropriate sleeping zone for the homeless in downtown). I'm bummed, because I really enjoyed sleeping on Azusa street--it was a little secluded, it was easy to attach my bag to a nearby pole, and it has sentimental value to me now (partially due to the fact that the Pentecostal revival happened on that street back in the day). I'm not sure where I'm gonna sleep tonight, but I'll find somewhere different--I've got a lot of options!

Money, Sacrifice, and Institutionalism

2008-09-01T17:26:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a great night playing Settlers of Catan with my old roommates Jeremy and Charlton at Charlton's place he shares with his wife Theresa in Pasadena. After playing a rousing game (it was anyone's game at the end, which made it more exciting) we got into an interesting discussion concerning our discipleship among the poor. I had mentioned briefly a conversation I had had with two other friends about how we should interpret and live out Jesus' imperative to "give to everyone who begs of you," in Luke, and different ways that may look like. I shared some stories about my experience with the homeless of LA, and how, though most of the people who asked me for money were drug addicts, there were still some who I helped financially who were legitimately in need for food or other necessities. Just yesterday, as I was just about ready to hop on the elevator to the gold line train station, I was stopped by a young black man about my age who asked for help--a buck or two to help him out. I pulled out my earphones, and looked him directly in the face, seeking to engage him on a deeper level, and I found out that he had recently come to LA, and was dealing with the criminal justice system--in and out of jail, and was currently homeless. After a couple minutes I decided to give him five dollars from my pocket, and he was extremely grateful, gushing about how difficult it was for him here in LA and how he would sleep on the trains and avoid the skid row area because it was unsafe. We ended up talking for almost thirty minutes after I gave him the money and some granola bars, and I believe that the act of trusting him with money, not just with food, helped him to open up more with me and we actually had a relatively deep connection. Hopefully he calls me back later (I gave him my phone and email address). Although in the past, I've been burned by people who have fed me stories just to get me to give them some cash for drugs, who ran off as soon as the money was in their hands, I have come to believe that even if the majority of people who ask for help may be struggling with substance abuse doesn't mean that we should never give financial help to those who ask for it.
Anyhew, the discussion led us to discuss the merits and defects of giving to Christian nonprofits as opposed to directly giving to people in need. My friend, Charlton, expressed to us some of his frustrations in working at one of the Christian homeless rescue missions downtown. He is one of the IT staff there, and is often asked to produce reports and to crunch numbers for the other staff. He mentioned how much money he sees going into the basic upkeep of the shelter, rather than into the programs they are seeking to help the homeless with. It seems this is the basic problem with institutions in general--what was started as something good and helpful to people sometimes becomes a monster that requires the sacrifice of time, money, and energy in work that has little of anything to do with simple acts of service to the poor. My other friend shared about how he has learned from his ministry in a young church plant in the neighborhood of Lincoln Heights, a low income neighborhood of LA that has it's share of gangs. He mentioned how difficult it is to be wise with giving in their context as well. The family that they have given the most financial help to has ended up being the family who is least interested in following Jesus, but still wants to stay in contact with the church because of their financial help. My friend mentioned that he believed that they were being faithful to God's call in giving the money away, and had spent much time in prayer, seeking God's direction. It was simply a reminder that a simple giving of money away to the poor is not as easy as it sounds. I also shared a story of Jackie Pullinger, who is a missionary to the slums of Hong Kong. An aquaintance of hers, a prostitute came to her in desperation because she was being sold into sex slavery due to her large debt she owed, and needed a large sum of money to pay off her debt. Jackie prayed about it, and believed God was asking her to give up her most prized possession, her violin (or clarinet, I can't remember what instrument) that she used to play in the Hong Kong symphony. Although it was a very difficult sacrifice for her (she had long lived by faith, trusting God for her daily needs, and the instrument was the only thing of value left that she owned), she was obedient to God's leading in her life, and sold the instrument to buy back the girl from her "owner." The gang boss told her that it was a futile thing for her to do, because the girl would eventually go back to her old ways sometime down the road. Although Jackie knew this could happen, she also knew that just like Jesus died for the world, knowing not all would accept His sacrifice for them, so also would she sacrifice her prized possession for the girl without knowing whether the girl would truly change or not. Similarly, I have come to the belief that giving and love should not be based on our limited knowledge of the worthiness or unworthiness of the person recieving or love or gift. We all are so much in need of grace. I close with a quote from Kahlil Gibran from his poem The Prophet in a section called "Giving."
You often say, "I would give, but only to the deserving."

"The trees in your orchard say not so, nor the flocks in your pasture.

They give that they may live, for to withhold is to perish.

Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and his nights is worthy of all else from you.

And he who has deserved to drink from the ocean of life deserves to fill his cup from your little stream."

Randy (Lurch)

2008-08-31T13:23:00.000-07:00

Last Thursday, I was hanging out in Pasadena after being dropped off at Trader Joes so I could buy some cereal (thankfully, I'm gonna be able to store cereal and milk at the after school program I volunteer at so that I don't have to spend as much money on food), and I decided to see whether a certain 3$ theatre trully existed. I got off of the gold line train at the Lake station, had dinner at a teryaki place, and waltzed down Lake, until I hit Colorado. I knew it was somewhere along Colorado, and found it a while later. I was shocked how cheap it was, but also how old the movies were--about 2 months old or so most of them, but it was still a great deal--only two dollars for matinee, and three for evening tickets. I was waiting for the showing of Iron Man, (though I had seen it before, I was quite bored) and a guy walked up to me and sat down on the bench next to me. I asked him how he was doing, as he looked a little dirty, and tired. He told me not so well, and that he was hungry. I told him I could help him out with a meal, so we walked over to the other side of the street, rather dangerously, as he boldly crossed without the signal of the little walking white man. He wanted to get Mexican food, so asked (more like told me) to go inside and order something for him while he would meet me outside across the street. I went in and found out the cheapest thing was seven dollars (and I only had five) so I met up with him and told him that I could instead buy him something from the Chinese place I had seen a couple blocks away. He waved his hand, motioning for me to let him think, and he asked whether I could use a credit card, and I told him yes, if they'd let me. Then, knowing I only had five dollars cash on me, he asked whether I would let him hold on to the five dollars while I went and used my credit card to get him some shrimp fried rice. Apparently, he distrusted that I would actually come back with the food. "Alright, I'll let you hold onto it as a promise that I will be back, but I expect you to give it back to me when I come back." (I knew that there was a very good chance that the five dollars wouldn't be there when I got back, but I wanted to show him that I trusted him). Sure enough, when I came back fifteen minutes later with the fried rice, and asked for the five dollars, he apologized and told me that he had given the money to another guy to whom he owed money. (I had seen him with another guy before I came back.) "I'm pretty upset--you promised that you would give me back the five dollars. I don't really care about the money itself, but you broke my trust." We talked it over, and although I had a pretty good feeling that he still had the five dollars on him, and was lying to me, I decided not to ask the man who he was talking to earlier whether Randy had truly given him the five dollars. I wanted to convey to him my disappointment, but at the same time, I knew I wasn't really talking to Randy, but to the need for crack in his system. So I let it go and he asked me what I wanted to do. I suggested we go see a movie at the theatre, and he visibly got excited. We were about twenty minutes late to the movie, and we found out that they didn't accept credit cards, so I asked the lady behind the counter whether she would let Randy in without pay and I would come back with enough money for the two of us--and she allowed it! The movie was an experience--Randy kept on talking out loud and laughing uproariously, until he calmed down a bit when another moviegoer asked him kindly to keep the noise level down. Two thirds through the showing, he was asleep, and I woke him up to leave the theatre. I hung out with him for a while outside, and he shared how he saw his father shoot his mother in front of him when he was only 7. He still hasn't forgiven his dead father for what he did and who he was. By the end of the conversation, Randy had confided to me that he didn't really have anyone else that he considered a true friend--they were all other crack addicts or prostitutes. I gave him my number, and he promised to call me the next day. He did finally call about a week later--and I asked him how I could pray for him. He asked for prayer that God would save his soul! The conversation was quick because he was borrowing a phone from someone else, but I'm hoping and praying that God will save his soul, and more.

To End All Wars

2008-08-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

I was reminded of one of my favorite movies "To End All Wars" as I was reading Philip Yancey's book "Rumors of Another World." It's about a British officer named Ernest Gordon, who was captured by Japanese soldiers during World War 2 ("the war to end all wars," hence the name of the movie) and forced to do manual work in a prisoner of war camp to help build a railroad line. Over 80,000 men died during the construction of the track, of sickness, starvation, and being shot. Naturally, the bloody realities of the camp led to a spirit of competition and every man for himself. Yet God's spirit was moving beyond the understanding of any of them--for a singular event happened which catalyzed a movement of unity that is practically unmatched in the history of human struggle. During roll call one day it was discovered that a shovel was missing, and the guards asked who had stolen the shovel. When no one answered, the guards threatened to kill them all, until one man from the line of men stood forward, claiming, "I did it." The angry guard quickly fell on him with blows all over his body, but he still stood to attention. Enraged, the guard crashed his rifle butt down on his skull, and he fell down, dead. This event had an unexpected result among the prisoners--one of them remembered the words of Jesus--"Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends," and the whole direction of the camp changed. Instead of fighting and stealing, the men began to live sacrificially for one another. Gordon felt the direct effects of this as his comrades helped revive him when he had become so sick he was on the verge of death. One exchanged his personal watch for some medicine to help him with his fever. The men were now living in spiritual community that no ruthless guard could take away from them. By the end, when they were finally freed, the men treated the sadistic guards with love and kindness instead of revenge. I like the way Yancey uses the miracle of this POW camp to illustrate the way the church is in the world--
"In the soil of this violent, disordered world, an alternate community may take root. It lives in hope of a day of liberation. In the meantime, it aligns itself with another world, not just spreading rumors but planting settlements-in-advance of that coming reign."

Loneliness

2008-08-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

“Solitude is the profoundest fact of the human condition. Man is the only being who knows he is alone"
--Octavio Paz

I was lonely yesterday. In my sojourn among the homeless of skid row, I've spent alot of time alone--perhaps more time than I've ever spent in my life. I love people--love connecting with people, smiling and laughing with them. Yet, I've come to realize that my times with people are worthless unless I know what it means to be alone. So I'm grateful for God is teaching me through these days--that when I'm lonely, He is the only one who really can satisfy my hunger for appreciation and praise and company. I still remember towards the end of my time in the Servant Partners internship when my intern director, Kevin Blue, mentioned that loneliness was a common aspect of ministry in the city. And I also remember talking with Brad at a recent wedding that as he gets older, he finds increasingly fewer people who are walking a similar path--not getting caught up in the materialistic flow of western church culture. But last night I talked for a while with a brother who was running from God for three years--and now has seen God answer his prayers as he has given up all to follow. He is going to be teaching kids in Baltimore, starting Monday, and he doesn't even know where he's going to live! God is good :)

Praise of men

2008-08-21T12:42:00.000-07:00

I was listening to a sermon by John Piper about fasting--he was sharing about the passage which says that we should not anounce our fasting to the world to prove that we are more spiritual. Fasting becomes a hypocritical act if it is done for the audience of others because it proves that we are hungering for acceptance from others rather than the praise of the One. This applies not only to fasting but to every good thing we do in the world.

Does God always satisfy the need of our souls?

2008-08-21T12:41:00.001-07:00

One common danger that Larry Crabb points out in his book The Papa Prayer is a tendency to think that blessings from God satisfy our souls more deeply than God Himself. "The problem, of course, is that our relationship with God is so shallow that the pleasure it brings really is less than the pleasure we feel when life goes well."
The second reason Larry warns against the deceitfulness of things outwardly going well in our lives is because frankly, truly and sincerely living for God doesn't always produce a warm feeling of joy and meaning. "In the moment...giving priority to our relationship with God may not produce the maximum satisfaction in our souls that we legitimately desire."

Seen written on the sidewalk

2008-08-21T12:36:00.000-07:00

Rebel and Revolt
And join UPACT
United People Against Crimal Tactics
Regarding homeless persons on the NICKEL 5th street

I talked with the guy who wrote this--he tried to get me to join in his campaign of chaos by upturning public trash cans and ganging up on solo cops as I wheeled him around on his wheelchair two weeks ago.

Lament

2008-08-21T12:35:00.000-07:00

Weep, weep for those
Who do the work of the Lord
With a high look
And a proud heart.
Their voice is lifted up
In the streets, and their cry is heard.
The bruised reed they break
By their great strength, and the smoking flax
They trample.

Weep not for the quenched
(For their God will hear their cry
And the Lord will come to save them)
But weep, weep for the quenchers

For when the Day of the Lord
Is come, and the vales sing
And the hills clap their hands
And the light shines

Then their eyes shall be opened
On a waste place,
Smouldering,
The smoke of the flax bitter
In their nostrils,
Their feet pierced
By broken reed-stems . . .
Wood, hay, and stubble,
And no grass springing.
And all the birds flown.

Weep, weep for those
Who have made a desert
In the name of the Lord.

by Evangeline Paterson

David

2008-08-19T19:39:00.000-07:00

The other day I was walking to the library, and I was hailed by a skinny man with a cardboard sign which had "Looking for a miracle" on it. He asked me for a miracle, followed by, "even a small one." I told him I didn't have any cash on me, and then whether or not he wanted something to eat, mentioning that I could buy him something from the Carl's Junior down the street. He was excited about that, and I came back with a Big hamburger, a banana milkshake, and a spicy chicken sandwhich (which I got for myself). As we ate, he told me a little more--he didn't have any family in the area because he was an orphan from Cuba, and he had been on the streets for ten years, but avoided skid row area because of the danger. He told me there were warehouse jobs that were hiring, and he was hoping to get one. I gave him my number, and he told me that he would give me a call later.

Walking away without a name

2008-08-18T20:57:00.000-07:00

As I was walking back from the library to Little Tokyo, I noticed a lady walking out of the library who was leaning over to one side as she walked, burdened by the four bags she was carrying. Although my sense of smell is quite weak, I could smell her as she walked by, and wondered when the last time she had a shower was. I took out my earphones, wanting to help her out somehow, but not knowing how to do so. I paused, looking at her as she shuffled off, wondering how someone as young as she ended up on the streets (she looked to be about 35 or younger). Remembering I had three dollars of Mcdonalds coupons with me, I caught up to her and asked her if she wanted them, and she thanked me and took them, speaking with an accent that sounded European. I wanted the conversation to continue, but I had nothing else to say, and she shuffled off, and I rolled my bag past her. I continued walking slowly a couple more blocks, thinking and praying about her. I let her catch up, and foolishly said, "That looks heavy" because I could think of nothing else to say. She walked on without saying a word, and I wondered what I could have said to her to assure her that I meant no harm and that I simply wanted to help, perhaps with a meal, or something else. I have realized that it is much harder for me to have a good conversation with someone out on the streets if I approach them, than if they approach me.

Comparisons

2008-08-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

I was looking through a list of old quotes about living amongst the poor, and I came across this one by David Brainerd--
"Such fatigues and hardship as these serve to wean me more from the earth; and, I trust, will make heaven the sweeter. Formerly, when I was thus exposed to cold, rain, etc., I was ready to please myself with the thoughts of enjoying a comfortable house, a warm fire, and other outward comforts; but now these have less place in my heart (through the grace of God) and my eye is more to God for comfort. In this world I expect tribulation; and it does not now, as formerly, appear strange to me; I don't in such seasons of difficulty flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; but rather think how much worse it might be; how much greater trials others of God's children have endured; and how much greater are yet perhaps reserved for me. Blessed be God that he makes (=is) the comfort to me, under my sharpest trials, and scarce ever lets these thoughts be attended with terror or melancholy; but they are attended frequently with great joy."
I realize that most of the time, I compare myself with those who have more than me, not with those who have less. I may lay asleep at night and think of being on a nice warm bed, or I may think of those who are married and wish I had someone laying next to me, or a myriad of things that I could wish were different about my life. But what if I compared myself rather to those who had less--perhaps remembering those who suffer tortures for their love of Jesus, or those who have no sleeping bag as they lay asleep under the stars in the mean streets, perhaps then I'd realize how rich I am in so many ways.

Reggie

2008-08-07T11:10:00.000-07:00

I was on my way to my daily washing and breakfast at the local Subway on Broadway and listening to the book of James on my CD player when I was hailed down for some change by a short man sitting in a little alcove. As I pulled out my earphones and responded to him, I noticed he had a sore, bleeding spot on the top of his forehead. He told me he had Aids and was hungry, and continued to share more of his story as I sat down next to him. I asked him about why he had rolled up peices of toilet paper in his ears, and he calmly told me that it was to keep the evil voices out of his head--voices telling him to be angry and upset with the way people sometimes ignored him, denying him even a single penny for food. I remember the way I have felt a similar angst when I've gone door to door raising money for a shelter and was rejected after finally barganning down from $150 to a cent. He shared more, how he was rejected by his family after the AIDS became full blown--I asked him if it was because they were scared of him, and he acknowledged the fact, putting his head in his face as he cried about his mother abandoning him only seven months ago. He had grown up always wanting to be a good kid, he said, and tried to pray hard and go to church and do all the right things, but his feelings for other guys wouldn't go away. He was told by church people that he would go to hell for feeling that way, but he just couldn't change.

Including people

2008-08-04T15:58:00.000-07:00

One of the purposes of this blog is to help me get out some of my frustrations with myself. Recently, I was talking with an old college buddy and he mentioned to me that one of his frustrations with me was that when we were in a group together, he felt left out by me. It was more complicated than that, and there were other issues involved, but I think this must be one of my weaknesses because the same thing happened this weekend when I went on a camping trip with my coworkers from the LA Homeless Services Coalition. I spent most of my time hanging out with a couple new friends I just made, and neglected to make an intentional effort to spend time with some of my old friends, especially one in particular, who felt hurt by my lack of attention given to her. I am a little surprised by these two examples, because I had always prided myself in my ability to include people. But I'm so glad that I have recieved these warnings so close to eachother, so that by God's mercy I won't let something like this happen again. Yet I know I will, most likely, so I must cling to the One who never leaves any of us behind.

Christianity a kind of cruelty?

2008-08-04T15:56:00.000-07:00

"If Christianity is to be preached in truth to those who are happy, to those who enjoy life, then Christianity is a kind of cruelty. This is why it is far easier to proclaim the consolation of Christianity--to cripples."
--Soren Kierkegaard

Being Steve, the gnome

2008-07-30T23:07:00.000-07:00

After a great trip hiking up and down the Grand Canyon with my friend Stephanie from college, I had her drop me off at a Pilate truck stop ten miles outside of Flagstaff, AZ, so that I could hitch a ride out to LA. I was so tired I spent the first four hours getting breakfast and sitting reading in a comfy chair at a McDonald's. I finally got the guts to step outside the door and begin my routine. After several hours and no ride, I was feeling rather bummed. I kept on telling myself to be patient, but it wasn't working. So, to comfort myself, I started calling up a bunch of people in my cellphone. So some of them got to see an inside look at my hitchhiking style as I temporarily paused the conversation to ask someone coming out of the store "Excuse me sir, are you headed west?" The most common reply was a quick no, or a "yes, but I can't take a rider with me." Most major trucking companies have insurance policies with them so that they can't take riders with them. Finally, after four more hours of asking, and taking breaks in between, i finally got a ride at about 8 pm, just as it was getting dark. A guy named Josh told me he'd give me a ride, and I was so overjoyed I offered to buy him dinner, but he said he was cool. He was waiting around the stop for his other trucker buddies to catch up to him, but he finally decided to leave the stop because it was getting crowded. So I ran ahead and got my backpack and we were off. He is a hawler of livestock, and apparently livestock truckers are known as the "badasses" of the trucking world. But he is a friendly, kind of small guy about my height, who wears "preppy" clothes. On the CB he sounds like a man in his late forties, with his South Dakotan draw, although he is only 26. He was going to play a trick on his trucking buddies by tricking them into thinking I was his troll friend "Steve" on the CB radio. He plans to come back to LA to visit me with his girlfriend later on.

Reflection on joy and satisfaction

2008-07-18T23:11:00.000-07:00

I just read an article by Larry Crabb and he brought up some interesting ideas about why we sin. His friend was having an affair, and the article explains the anguish Larry feels at seeing his friend make this bad choice, and why he thought he did it. In the western church we seem to have this idea that trully following Jesus is going to alwaysbproduce in us a greater soul satisfaction and joy than living in sin. But sometimes, as perhaps in the case of an affair, living in sin might actually at certain points produce more satisfaction to the felt needs of our souls than following Jesus. I want to learn to follow Jesus not just because following him makes me feel good but because following and loving Him is the only sensible response to His overwhelming love for us.

Juanita

2008-07-18T21:45:00.000-07:00

As I was entering the yellow line station up in Pasadena after spending a wonderful hour at the Zepher (a coffee shop with lots of character) with my friends from Chicago, I met an interesting lady in a wheelchair, who appeared to be in her fifties and was brimming over with happiness. After sitting down next to her in the train, she proceeded to share her life after giving praise to God. Perhaps a little of her youthful joy was due to the fact that at the age of eighteen she had an accident and lost all of her memory. All of it. She had to relearn how to walk, how to talk, and essentially lived a new life, in a new country (when her parents moved to Spain) so that she legally had her name changed from Janet to Juanita. As she grew older, she prayed for a husband and gave God very specific requirements--he had to be a man of God, care for her in her condition (without thinking of her any less because of her affliction), and God answered her prayer with a man who met her right in front of her door.

Consolation?

2008-07-17T12:56:00.000-07:00

"I believe that the religion of the middle class was always tempted to use Scripture primarily to dispense consolation. But the Word of God, like a mirror, must first confront us with ourselves. Second, it has to challenge us to live in a new way, to lead a life of authentic brotherlyness and sisterlyness--economically, politically, socially, and spiritually. Only after the Word of God has confronted and challenged us do we have the right to take consolation from the word of God as well. But we've drawn consolation from the Bible before we changed our lives!"
--Richard Rohr, from Simplicity

I am also reminded of an example Kevin used in his sermon last week--about a friend of his who would suddenly shut his Bible with a loud clap, explaining to anyone who asked that he couldn't take any more in until he was obedient to what he already knew.

Dishes?

2008-07-17T12:54:00.001-07:00

I've been reading from Jonathan Wilson-Hartgrove's book called New Monasticism, and I'd like to quote from it. He quotes from Chris Rice--"It is enough to get the love of God into your bones and to lice as if you are forgiven. It is enough to care for eachother, to forgive eachother, to forgive eachother, and to wash the dishes." He is responding to our tendency to want to change others around us to be more like what we think they should be like. But what strikes me about the quote is the last line, which sticks out like a sore thumb against the beautiful idealism of what i think loving eachother looks like, or so I sometimes think. Perhaps washing dishes, such a commonplace act that seems so routine (or distasteful, or both) encapsulates what love looks like in action better than most activities. Indeed, perhaps it is in the "commonplace," the banal activities of life that our love (for God and others) is truly tested. I'm also reminded of dear brother Lawrence, to whom dishwashing was such a chore until the constant "practice" of God's presence turned this simple activity into a holy sacrament.

Service Necessary for Community

2008-07-17T12:49:00.000-07:00

"Every church community that doesn't include an outwardly directed service for others, a service extending beyond itself, is simply not a Church, its not Christ. It's psychology or false transcendence. That doesn't mean that psychology is a bad thing; it just isn't the same thing."
--Richard Rohr in Simplicity

Sauce, my friend

2008-07-16T19:08:00.000-07:00

Today I was walking back to my campsite, and I saw my friend Sauce panhandling outside a late night restaurant. I was so glad to see her--it had been about a week or more since I last saw her. She said that she had been staying at Venice beach--a nicer crowd over there. She doesn't feel as scared that she will be raped. But even here, she discovered that if she quickly hid inside a cardboard box so that no one saw it was a woman who got inside she would be safe from attack. She also mentioned that if she kept panhandling outside of the restaurant there was a good chance the cops would come to arrest her (she had just seen the owner of the restaurant come out and she said he had called the cops on her before. She told me more of her life--how when she was young her mother had hid her from the authorities because the Cambodian government was at war and was eliminating any one who could not be helpful to the war effort including handicapped people like her (she has withered hands). She eventually fled to Thailand via Vietnam, and married an American GI, who later in life became crazy and began to hit her, which is why she fled to the street. Yet she is one of the most gracious people I have met--she could have deep bitterness against all those who have ill-treated her, but her response to her pain in life is more like a deep sadness. Yet she does know God, and I had a blessed time praying with her.

Pain

2008-07-15T19:42:00.001-07:00

I was helping out with the highschool kids, playing basketball, getting all sweaty, when one of the older kids, Jeremiah, jumped for the ball and then lay on the ground, moaning and giving out almost screams. Some of the kids thought he was playing, because he had the kind of cocky personality that would put on that kind of show. But he wasn't. Eventually, we took him to the hospital, after carrying him and his twisted ankle (perhaps dislocated) into the car. I was reminded once again that I have rairly faced much serious physical pain in my life. Dehibilitating pain. So that you can hardly think anything except perhaps little cries for help, like a baby. Perhaps someday I will understand this pain personally, instead of simply through watching others suffer, but I hope that nonetheless God will grant me some level of gut wrenching compassion ("to suffer with") for those who feel pain this way.

Dag

2008-07-15T19:37:00.000-07:00

It is playing safe that we create a world of utmost insecurity.
--Dag Hammarskjold

Self Deceit and Money

2008-07-14T12:33:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I went to a wonderfully delightful reunion of LAUP, (Los Angeles Urban Project) and it was great to see old friends. I was challenged once again by Kevin Blue's sermon from Luke 16 about the rich man and Lazarus. The context of the passage being that Jesus was addressing a group of Pharisees--the religious leaders of the day--those who were comfortable in their own salvation. In the section just before, he was addressing the subject of money, and they ridiculed him, because they were "lovers of money." And he responds to their hearts by saying "You are those who justify yourselves before men, but God knows your hearts. For what is exalted among men is an abomination in the sight of God." Kevin pointed out something that still haunts me about this passage--that it is possible to be self-deceived. Indeed, "the heart is deceitful above all things." Which means that even those who outwardly appear to be faithful to God may be further from Him than most. It also means that I, who have recieved so much--so much good teaching, so many good examples of the walk of Jesus--I need to be examining my heart, and letting God continually change me. Even despite my current position of sleeping on the street--I am still tempted to overindulge myself on things I don't need, like expensive food, etc. Another point that Kevin made was that we should not compare ourselves with those above us economically to judge our discipleship in regard to money, but to those who are below us. In fact, all of us who are college educated in the states are rich (as rich as the rich man compared to Lazarus perhaps?) compared to many who live in slums and who are homeless.

Circles or Squares?

2008-07-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was helping a member of Central City Church (AJ) to help set up chairs in the main hall for church on Sunday after working with the kids earlier. Another guy was there who was setting up chairs for a Bible study he was having that night. He had one chair set up facing two other chairs, and when I brought out another chair to put next to the solo one, he told me to put it next to the other two. I then realized that he didn't want a perfect circle, but to have one chair (his) facing the others in a semicircle. I remember thinking "why not put them in a full circle--why do you have to be facing the rest just because you are the 'leader?'" Then I was reading a book called "Simplicity" by Richard Rohr, who always blows me away, and he was sharing how the 12 step groups always sit in a circle--not like a square or rectangle that most churches have, which focus in on one person or a group of people up front performing, rather than having everyone face eachother's brokenness as equals. "When people get together in solidarity and unity, not out of power but out of powerlessness, then Christ is in their midst."

Sorrow and Joy

2008-07-09T23:49:00.000-07:00

How do we reconcile "he was a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering" with "These things I have spoken to you, that my joy may be in you, and that your joy may be full." ?

More thoughts on Romantic love

2008-07-09T23:29:00.000-07:00

Needless to say, I do have a desire to be married at some point, but that desire is matched and exceeded by my desire to be used by God among the little and the poor of the world. With the exception of Kagawa, most of the other ministers among the poor that I either know or have read about either never married or were married late (around the age of forty or later). I don't want to wait that long, so I suppose what I really want is to continue learning and growing in God's love through living with His beloved poor and to meet someone who is just as passionate to live similarly (if not a desire to sleep with the homeless than a desire to pour her heart out in the slums because of Jesus). I want a partner in this, but I also realize that my desire for simplicity and incarnational living must be values in her heart as well.

Thoughts on romance

2008-07-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

I've been reading a biography of Toyohiko Kagawa by Cyril Davey that is blowing my mind (Kagawa is one of my heroes). His courtship with his wife is interesting--but what struck me the most was Kagawa's prayer concerning the seeming conflict between his vocation of living in the slums and his blossoming love for Haru. Here is one of his poems--
Love, linger not to whisper your temptation,
Seek not to bind me with your heavy chain.
I would be free to seek the world's salvation,
I would be free to rescue men from pain.

When Haru indicated to him that she wanted to fully join him in his work in the slums, he asked her to marry him, and their beautiful wedding was not followed up by a relaxing week on some refreshing island escape, but by a short jinriksha ride back to Kagawa's hut in the slum of Shinkawa.
Needless to say, life was hard for the couple, and Kagawa wrote the following to his love--

You who dwell
In the heart of my heart,
Listen to me;
This you must know--
I am a child of grief and pain,
Bending my fingers to count my woe.
You yield me
Everything;
But I
Have nothing
I can bring
To give to you.
Know
You have married
Poverty, sorrow;
Bear it with me;
The storm will be over
Tomorrow.
A little while
For us
The rod;
And then,
Then, God!

Singled out

2008-07-09T22:36:00.000-07:00

Sitting on a stairway, looking into my itouch ( I splurged so that I could get on the Internet when outside) and reading a blog and listening to Rich Mullins, suddenly a flahlight is shining in my face, a white cop asks me
"you seem to hang out here quite a bit--is that true?" ( we are conversing near an expensive frozen yogurt shop)
"well not every day"
"do you live around here?"
"yes"
"where?"
(!!!!!!!who cares where I live--mind your own business!!!)
"down the street"--I point off in the direction of my chosen abode, my backpack sitting comfortably in front of me, betraying my rooflessness
"well, just remember not to sit in the chairs of the Pinkberry unless you've bought something."

(context--I hang out near the pinkberry because I get free wireless access from a stray signal--I've sat in the chairs twice without buying something--and I doubt the cop would have said anything to me if I didnt have a bag in front of me with clothes air- drying on it that almost shouts--"look at me--I sleep under the stars")
I share this story because I'm reminded once again how little it takes to get the attention of the authorities if you are homeless, no matter how innocent you are, or how harmless you look (I got a compliment the other day from an elderly man on the streets that I "clean up well"

Interview in Portland

2008-07-02T10:14:00.000-07:00

I found an article online written by a guy who interviewed me on the street when I was homeless in Portland. Here is the link if you're interested--you have to scroll down a couple stories till you get to mine--Nathan.
http://bookbanshee.securespsite.com/Sociology/Youth%20Stories%20-%20Book%20In%20Progress.doc

Are you mad?

2008-06-30T15:42:00.000-07:00

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, burn like fabulous roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars"
--Jack Kerouac

Does Jesus' love conquer all?

2008-06-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

I met a lady after getting up today--I was looking for one of the public restrooms that are self-cleaning and I asked her where the closest one was. Apparently she needed to Ise it as well, so she went with me to it, and along the way opened up a bit. I've found that a simple kind smile and the backpack I wear enables people to feel comfortable around me enough to share. She spoke words of hate and scorn for LA and its people--speaking against her black brothers and sisters for being crazy, and the whites and Indians of being racist. She said that of those people living in skid row she wishes that they would go to hell. When I tried to argie with her about her perspective, she told me--wait till you are beaten up and all your stuff is stolen, then come back and tell me of Jesus' love. I was humbled again by the lack of suffering I have personally gone through at the hands of others. I hope that when my faith is tested even more that God will give me the strength to stand.

Back in LA

2008-06-30T11:44:00.000-07:00

I'm back in LA now--I slept outside in skid row after saying goodbye to my friend in Lincoln Heights and took a short metro rail to downtown LA. I had a good idea where I wanted to sleep--close to skid row, but not on one of the busy streets. I also wanted to find out whether the Reformation House of prayer was still running--I eventually found it, but it was locked (it used to be open 24/7) So I have to volunteer to run a shift, then I can get access to it. I think it will be a helpful routine for me to get up at 6 am and go there for a shift, then get cleaned up somewhere before volunteering at Central City Community Church to work with kids afterschool. That's the plan--yes indeed.

Would that I could pray this prayer with no doubt

2007-07-30T01:59:00.000-07:00

Father, I abandon myself into your hands;
Do with me what you will.
Whatever you may do, I thank you--
I am ready for all, I accept all.

Let only your will be done in me
And in all your creatures.
I wish no more than this, O Lord.
Into your hands I commend my soul.

I offer it to you
With all the love of my heart.
For I love you Lord,
And so need to give myself--

To surrender myself into your hands
Without reserve,
And with boundless confidence
For you are my Father.

--Charles DeFoucalt

Flying deep

2007-07-22T17:37:00.000-07:00

To dig deep,
burrying in the turf,
slowly poking top through mud
green, leaves, fruit
but watch that your feet do not become too accustomed to the ground

For we were also meant to fly
to be one with the ground, but also kin to the eagle.
Not to migrate,
no, to fly only when you fly from trouble is a giving up
But to rise on the wings of the morning
and to dig deep with your wings
not forgetting where you come from, nor the vision of light ahead

Wealth and Riches

2007-07-08T23:03:00.000-07:00

Today's sermon at Church of the Redeemer--by Kevin Blue, and the Holy Spirit speaking through him--really challenged me again about how I spend money. I've been eating out alot--it's almost become a habit for me to eat out almost every day!!!!!! Which is ridiculous for me, and humbling for me to say it out loud. Although sometimes that just amounts to a dollar sandwhich at Mcdonalds, I still am ashamed at how much I've been spending on food. I'm so easily swayed by others around me--most of my coworkers buy lunch out when we have lunch together before going out and canvassing (raising money for homeless kids door to door). Because I've been in a sort of transitional period (moving from south LA to Westwood) I've justified the spending of my money on fast food because of that. It just proves to me how easily the words "Hypocrite!" (even if left unspoken) rebound back to me. It is very easy for me to judge the people I talk to every day at my job who respond to my plea for funds with a "not interested" or "I already give" or "maybe later" or "I give to my church" or "Get the F@$% away!" But here I am, using the precious little God has entrusted to me on expensive food that could have been used to feed others who are hungrier.
Thankfully I had time yesterday to go grocery shopping, but the lack of a microwave in my new apartment makes things a little tricky. Cereal is good though :)

“Wealth and riches, that is, an estate above what sufficeth our real occasions and necessities, is in no other sense a 'blessing' than as it is an opportunity put into our hands, by the providence of God, of doing more good.”
—John Tillotson

Conversation with Jacob in Gchat

2007-07-08T22:52:00.000-07:00

me: hey!
I'm reading your blog [smile]
Jacob: hey!
me: I love you bro [smile]
Jacob: cool
dude, i love you too
i really do
me: [smile]
Jacob: i am glad to hear from you
me: me too
ha ha
I had a tough day today

God is soo good to us
I borrowed Richard's car today to go scouting today
and I had an accident [frown]
the start of my trouble
Jacob: oh no
me: I was driving up a narrow street, dead end, turning around
Jacob: tell me about it
me: and I bumped into a car in front of me
just paint chipped off, but I was freaked out, and drove away
away because I was afraid
of the car's owner
of richard
of God
Jacob: was the car parked?
me: yeah
Jacob: was the owner there?
me: and I drove around in a turmoil
nope
doing more scouting for my job
and then just realized I had to go back
and leave a note
I had even called richard before that point
and implied that I had had the accident while driving
Jacob: ohh
me: I decieved him in my message on his phone
and then I went back, left the note
and had a cry session
felt like my heart was being ripped out
I called my boss, telling her that I didn't think I could finish scouting, and why
and then drove back, and went into the Kevin's house
and Richard was in his room worshipping God
and I knocked and he welcomed me in
like God does
and I poured out my broken soul
Jacob: wow
me: and he accepted me
as I am
Jacob: it was richard's car?
me: and we prayed and I cried
yeah
Jacob: wow
me: and it was a good time together
with Jesus
Jacob: thats awesome
me: we were filled with longing
yeah
for Home
Jacob: ahhh
amen my brother
me: and then I rode Charlton's bike back
Jacob: sigh
me: (he's letting me borrow it
amen [smile]
all the way back to westwood
and here I am
a tired little boy
[smile]
but at peace
Jacob: praise God
me: oh, I forgot to tell you
this is the SEcond time I had an accident while borrowing Richard's car!!!!!!!
and the same bumper
Jacob: oohhh
me: last time I was in the parking lot of the midnight mission
and bumped the front into a pole while turning out
reversing
so that's part of why I felt so crushed and broken
Jacob: i see
but there was grace for you,
as there always is
me: yeah amen to that [smile]
thanks for listening
Jacob: yeah man

Roll the Dice

2007-06-30T02:26:00.001-07:00

Roll the Dice
by Charles Bukowski

if you’re going to try, go all the
way.
otherwise, don’t even start.

if you’re going to try, go all the
way. this could mean losing girlfriends,
wives, relatives, jobs and
maybe your mind.

go all the way.
it could mean not eating for 3 or
4 days.
it could mean freezing on a
park bench.
it could mean jail,
it could mean derision,
mockery,
isolation.
isolation is the gift,
all the others are a test of your
endurance, of
how much you really want to
do it.
and you’ll do it
despite rejection and the
worst odds
and it will be better than
anything else
you can imagine.

if you’re going to try,
go all the way.
there is no other feeling like
that.
you will be alone with the
gods
and the nights will flame with
fire.

do it, do it, do it.
do it.

all the way
all the way.
you will ride life straight to
perfect laughter,
it’s the only good fight
there is.

2007-06-18T14:12:00.000-07:00

What deaths have you yet to die!

My yoke is easy and my burden is light
(but it is a yoke, and it is a burden)

Why have you suffered so little, o ye of little faith!

Take my yoke upon you
You cannot take one step without my Love.

Your promise sustains me

I will never leave you nor forsake you

Don't be sluggish, but imitate those who through faith and patience inherit the promises

Jesus People USA #2

2007-01-19T12:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I have spent the last month or so at Jesus People USA, (with the exception of 5 days at Urbana, which rocked). So far, I have found my faith in God encouraged by the example of people around me, but at the same time, I have grown quite flabby in my love for Jesus. It is easy to get fat if you don't excercise, and I have not been excercising. Thus, once again, I find that ease and comfort (even though they may be accompanied by structured Bible studies, etc.) all to often lead me to give in to wasting precious time on frivolous activities. Although the social environment at JPUSA is relatively warm and welcoming, it all-to-easily becomes very inwardly-focused. For example, it is very easy to spend a whole week at JPUSA without going out, meeting people of the city, etc., because all of your needs are provided for within the building of JPUSA--work, food, laundry, entertainment, etc. So, early on, I encountered a guy named Nick, who went out almost every week on a trip into the city on a bike with his friend to talk with people about Jesus. I was encouraged by his example, but as of yet, I have still not done anything to follow his example. (He left before Gus and I left for Urbana). In the meantime, I have watched a number of movies and played a number of rounds of Bang (an amazing card game that is quite a crowd pleaser, though I play it too much). This is the culture of JPUSA--work, then hang out and goof off. So I'm trying to learn how to be intentional about loving the poor, even when I'm in an environment of other believers who say they love the poor, but are still learning how to practically carry it out.

Pray where you are

2006-12-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

In the submarines and tanks
In the S and Ls and banks
In the cancer wards, the prisons and the bars
On the earth and on the moon
In the closet, in your room
In the flop houses, the think tanks and the farms
To the salesman forever trying to sell
To the faithful daughter walking to the well

CHORUS
Oh, pray where you are
Pray where you are
In the fields and in the factories
There's no limits, rules or boundaries
At work or school or driving in your car
Pray where you are

In the strip joints, in the church
On a desperate lost child search
On the airplanes and the backroads and the rails
On the blacktops, on the beach
Down a sewer and up a creek
In the penthouses, the gulags and the jails
To the criminal with no one left to con
To the movie star whose day has come and gone

CHORUS

To the junky with his back against the wall
To the lawman as he breaks another law
In the desert, off the shore
In peacetime and in war
In the pentagon, the court rooms and the malls
In the tents and in the caves
At the truckstops, by the graves
In our hopes and fears and struggles great and small
To the corner bum that no one seems to hear
To the president who prays for four more years

Pray where you are. . .

(Terry Taylor and Lost Dogs)

Jesus People!

2006-12-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

Well, Gus and I finally arrived in JPUSA! It was just about five blocks away from our friends apartment in Chicago, so it wasn't too much trouble to find it. I had been here once before for a week, about four years ago back when I did Josiah Project (a summer Christian leadership developement school), and I'm loving my second trip here. It's been a crazy time here so far--it's kind of like living in a church and a college dorm at the same time. The community of approximately 500 JPUSA people live in an old hotel with 9 floors. Every morning, Gus and I wake up around 7:30 in order to wash dishes and sweep the dining room floors, as part of the "home crew"--what most people are put on who first come to the community. The first night Gus couldn't sleep because our two roommates had trouble with snoring and flatulence! (even with earplugs in, he could hear both!)
One of my favorite things about our time here (we've only been here since Sunday) has been the variety of cool people we've met. Just tonight I was talking with a guy from South Africa, who has lived here for the past eight years, and shortly plans on going hiking the Appalachian Trail, then perhaps going to seminary, then perhaps feeding animals with a circus for six months (he admitted this was a little weird, but he wanted to do it anyways), then going back to the orphanage he had worked and taught at in South Africa. The two women who run the orphanage actually adopt the kids, so the goverment can't take them away, so the whole place is run like a large family. He said when he first got there, it was a mess--they had a room full of donations (most of which were junk--why do Christians give their old, used stuff to help others out!!!!!arrgghh). So, though he had never built computers before, he was able to build six computers for them out of the mess of computer parts that had been donated. He said his family had come to visit the orphanage, but they just cried, and didn't help much. If only we could learn how to move beyond sympathy and towards com-passion ("to suffer with", according to the roots). He mentioned his brother, who is a pastor who lives a very wealthy life and who actually preaches the health and wealth gospel. Meanwhile, he has a Zulu maid who lives in a slum and works for him for less than what is the general going rate given to maids and who goes home every night praying the marauders in her township won't kill her and take her money, or perhaps that her drunk husband won't find the money that she's hidden in her house, and use it for booze instead of for food. The world is crying out, and the church is sleeping.
"Don't close your eyes
Don't pretend the jobs done"

And Jesus still calls out to us--us ragamuffin, lost followers--he calls to us, singing us a love song--calling us home--away from the "mess" of following the world---
"Come away, come away, come away with Me my love,
Come away, from this mess, come away with Me, my love."
(lyrics from Keith Green's song "Asleep in the Light")

Let's do it! Let's join in Jesus' army of followers who will follow him to all the abandoned places where His light shines brightest! What have we to lose!? Our lives? Oh, yeah--we're supposed to be dead anyways, so what does that matter!?
Let's go--there can be no better life! Into the foolish maelstrom of Love.

Chicago!

2006-12-09T19:43:00.000-08:00

Well, Gus and I finally arrived in Chicago, after trying to get a ride before on Craig's list, spending a day and a half hitchhiking (or attempting it) and finally we arrived on an Amtrack train. We met this guy on the train who was interested in talking to Gus and I about politics, and then about God stuff--his views were that Jesus was cool (someone who attained a sort of enlightenment), and that everyone is a part of God--kind of a panthiestic viewpoint. I don't think he'd met other Christians like us who preferred to refer to ourselves as "followers of Jesus" rather than "Christian" (which has so much baggage that people attach to it). So it was refreshing to let him know that there are believers out there who do not believe President Bush is God's gift to the world and who don't look with condemnation on everyone who doesn't believe exactly as they do. We also talked about how Jesus wasn't all about the rich and powerful, but about relating to people who realized they have problems, like us! I hope that he comes to a deeper knowledge of Jesus in his search for truth. I've realized that one of my favorite parts of travelling is the wonderful conversations you can have with people that otherwise you would never meet. And you never know how your faith is gonna grow and be challenged by the wierd, yet beautiful people all around.

Train!

2006-12-05T15:06:00.000-08:00

Gus and I will be heading out tomorrow (hopefully) on the Amtrack--en route to Chicago, where we will be visiting friends and staying for a couple weeks at Jesus People USA, a Christian community that has had some controversy attached to it. I love controversy. I'm going.

Stupid movie

2006-12-05T14:57:00.000-08:00

Last night Gus and I went to Road Warriors, the homeless youth drop in center I've mentioned earlier. They were showing this movie called Slither, and I watched it!!! Aaarggh. I can't believe I did. I hate horror movies (I would have refused to watch it if it was demonic, which it wasn't), but I nevertheless sat down, and gave in to watching perhaps the stupidest and grossest movie I've ever seen. (Gus tells me that Slither ranks up there with Snakes on a Plane if you like very bad movies) I don't know why I did it, except that sometimes I do what I do not want to do.

Great night

2006-12-03T14:07:00.000-08:00

Last night, after Gus and I got back from the misery of Troutdale and the two truckstops that were opposed to our purposes in getting a ride, we hit the streets with signs. I had a sign saying: Ninjas killed my family, need money for kung fu lessons, and Gus' sign said Ignore me for $1, Will take verbal abuse for $2. His sign worked very well, getting him about a hundred bucks, and mine got about fifty. Many people laughed as they walked by, and we were stationed right outside an ale festival, so it helped that people were kind of drunk. Gus and I counted the many dollar bills in our sleeping bags, and were surprised that it came out to a hundred and fifty five bucks!!! Each of our greyhound tickets cost about 150 bucks each, so we are well on our way to Chicago.

Arrrrrrrrggghhh :)

2006-12-02T17:43:00.000-08:00

Well, after spending from 11 am yesterday till 4 pm today trying to hitch a ride out of Troutdale (about twenty miles east of Portland) Gus and I decided to come back to Portland in order to "spange" enough money to get Greyhound tickets out to Chicago.
Faced with the disappointment of my idealization of hitchhiking breaking down (at least at one stop :)--I'm sure it still works, though), I am still thankful that God has everything under control and that really I have nothing to be worried about. Really, why worry at all? I have no bills to pay, no reason to think that I won't have enough food to survive on and enough warmth to live on! And besides that, I have still faced very little suffering in my short life--there are more lessons to learn, more sufferings to undergo, and much more to be lived--why should I live it in the frustrations of a couple days?
And along the way, I've learned a few lessons--Don't try to hitch out of a truckstop on the weekend (especially Saturday!! all the truckers are sleeping or waiting till Monday).
Yesterday was especially hard, because after about an hour, one of the truckers at the stop said he might be able to take us (he was going all the way to Michigan!!--past Chicago--on our route!!!) He went into the store and we waited and waited, and he never came out!!! We waited for two hours, and then started asking other truckers if they were headed east. One of them mentioned that he was going to Arkansas, and was taking the I80, so we told him that we were waiting on the other trucker, but if he never came out, we would go with trucker B. But neither of them came out! And we were bummed. We tried going in to see whether they were there, but no luck. After that, we were kicked off the property by a "nice" employee, so we tryed the other truck stop, a Flying J, but we were also kicked off that property after about 2 more hours. So we decided to bed for the night under the freeway bridge, which was kinda noisy, but after the earplugs, not to bad, except for the shaking that occurred every time a truck drove past.
Well, it was a disapointment, but I'm sure everything will be fine, and we'll be in Chicago eventually.
:)

Louis

2006-11-30T18:37:00.000-08:00

I forgot to mention some things about Louis--first--he's been clean and sober for the past 4 days! He was so excited about it, and we rejoiced in this victory of God in his life.
I remember another time talking with him, and he shared about how he was in one city spanging ("spare some change?") and he decided to switch up his sign--instead of asking for money, he started asking people if they could spare a smile :) Though many walked past, missing the joy that could have been theirs, a number of them did smile back. I thought his idea was brilliant, although i havn't tried it yet.

Hitchhiking tomorrow

2006-11-30T15:19:00.000-08:00

Well, the guy can't take us-- so tomorrow it is that we will go :)

Another night in Portland

2006-11-30T12:27:00.000-08:00

Gus and I decided to stay another day in Portland, because we were waiting to hear back from a Craig's list dude who was travelling all the way out to Philly and willing to take riders! We are debating how much longer we are willing to wait around for him, and will leave tomorrow morning if we don't hear back from him (if he says yes, we'll leave here on the 2nd of Dec.)

Last night we decided to try to procure shelter instead of sleeping outside again in the cold, so after Road Warriors we walked up to a place that was offering emergency beds (and if they were full, then vouchers for motel rooms). Thankfully, we were able to get a room (although it was pretty far away--77th street, when we were around 6th!). So he gave us bus passes to get there (unfortunately not for the way back) As we were waiting around the bus stop at about 10:30 pm, we met this guy who was carrying a duffel bag that he claimed had soup in it! That he was taking back to give to his friend who was sick. He was an interesting guy--worried that something would happen on the bus, such as someone throwing up, or a gang fight erupting on the bus (he called it "fucklihood"--as in the likelihood of something bad happening). Then another guy showed up--"C" (he had come down from Washington on a greyhound)--he was cool and we started talking to him as well--it was a little bus stop party! But one more person came by--a girl who was exhausted from her train ride up from Mount Shasta (my fav. mountain so far in California). She was gonna miss her bus if she didn't go to another bus stop which was a ways away, so we offered to walk with her over there. I was pleased at the level of trust she exhibited to us as complete strangers, but she got on the next bus that came (cause it could take her by the real bus stop she needed) and we were gonna get on, but decided not to (knowing she would be fine). Anyway, it ended up being Gus, C, and me who were together, getting on the next bus--the number 9. At one point, he offered us some mushrooms (not the kind your mom puts in soup) and we declined, but he started opening up as somehow we got to talking about Jesus. C started sharing his heart--turns out he is a brother in Christ who had fallen--gotten into some trouble at home and gave up on his girlfriend and two year old son and started fleeing his old happiness through drugs and alcohol. He was going south to stay with his alcoholic mother that night, but wasn't too excited about it, so we offered to let him stay with us in our hotel room. He gladly accepted, and was amazed at our hospitality (though I don't think he should have been, nor do I think we were doing anything really out of the ordinary as followers of Jesus, and it was no sacrifice to us, just a joy). So we finally arrived a little before midnight at the motel and had a wonderful time of prayer and encouragement in the room (after sneaking him in). I stayed up with him till 3 am! another really late night, but it was a joy and pleasure to share with eachother and pray for one eachother. I'm sure C (not his real name) would appreciate your prayers as well during this time of transition for him. He really felt God's love last night reaching out to him, but he needs help with the practicalities of what to do next.

Gus' blog

2006-11-29T12:23:00.000-08:00

This is the myspace blog of my friend Gus, who's traveling with me--he's had some crazy stuff happen to him! You should check it out.

http://blog.myspace.com/rockersyourboxers

Into the cold north

2006-11-29T09:41:00.000-08:00

Well, either today or tomorrow we will start our long trek (I'm guessing it will take anywhere between 4 and 10 days to hitchhike over to Chicago) from here. This stage of our journey will be the roughest, as we will have no regular access to food or shelter. Your prayers will be much appreciated. I'm excited to see God's hand working through generous and caring people to help us out, and to be a blessing to others we may come in contact with. With that said, it may be a while before I can resume blogging, but I will do my best. :)

God weeps too

2006-11-28T16:37:00.001-08:00

“God weeps with us so that we may one day laugh with Him.”
—Jurgen Moltmann

Glorious

2006-11-27T17:24:00.000-08:00

As I was returning to the library today from purchasing (one of a very few purchases I have made in the last three weeks!) a road map for our upcoming quest, I noticed it started to rain. Gradually, the little drops on my head turned colder and harder and eventually instead of splashing they bounced! My heart was practically bouncing within me--out of joy and delight in the experience. I've always loved the parts of nature that seem harsh to many--the rain, the snow, the sleet and hail--something about God's power and his love seem intertwined in their beauty. As I was walking around, basking in the hail, I noticed most people rushing about trying to get under shelter--a natural response, but nevertheless, I was gripped by a sort of spiritual sadness (or yearning)--a desire for everyone else to experience the same joy I was experiencing.
As I was walking, I passed by a middle aged lady from a distance, and as I was smiling, she smiled back. A few yards later I opened up my mouth to taste the tiny beads of ice, and heard her chuckling. I gave her one more smile, happy to find at least one soul who could appreciate the joy of living in that moment.

Cold

2006-11-27T08:23:00.000-08:00

Last night we slept in the same place as our friend--but he left in the middle of the night--I don't know where too :( He said he had gone to his first CA (cocaine anonymous) meeting last night--I really hope he gets into a residential program soon.

Our great teacher, Pain

2006-11-26T22:21:00.001-08:00

"No one lives on this earth without [pain]. It is the great teacher, although none of us want to admit it. If we do not transform our pain, we will transmit it in some form. Take that as an absolute. If we do not learn this all important spiritual lesson, at least one, maybe all, of the following things will happen:
1. We will become inflexible, blaming, and petty as we grow older
2. We will need other people to hate in order to expel our inner negativity
3. We will play the victim in some form as a means of false power.
4. We will spend much of our life seeking security and status as a cover-up for lack of a substantial sense of self.
5. We will pass on our deadness to our family, children, and friends

from page 37 of Adam's Return: The Five Promises of Male Inititiation, by Richard Rohr

Sad cycle of pain

2006-11-26T21:26:00.000-08:00

Today I ran into my friend that I mentioned in the Amazing Grace post last week (the one we stayed up late into the night talking and praying with). I greeted him and gave him a hug out of my joy in seeing him, not realizing until afterwards that I was being a little too eager. Especially because he didn't seem to want to talk to me. I realized in thinking about it afterwards that it's the same way I feel after I've committed some sin--especially if it's a sin that I've struggled with for a while. Anyways, it grieved me that he didn't want to talk about it--but I know that there is deep shame in drugs--especially when you've told your friends that you are going to quit. I hope and pray that he would not think it is ever too late to go back home to Dad, no matter how recently he's last used.

Trappist Abbey--How not to hitchhike

2006-11-26T21:22:00.000-08:00

As it turns out, the "monastery" that Gus and I stayed at is called "Trappist Abbey," and supports itself through bookbinding, fruitcakes (most of which are sold around this time of year) and forestry (which they do just for fun and to be good stewards of the land they are stewarding.)

On Monday we left to go hitchhiking down to the Trappist Abbey, but started out a little late (in the afternoon, due to several important last-minute errands). So we ran across several freeways in our attempt to get to a good hitchhiking spot (kids do not try this at home :)) Don't worry, we looked both ways. Finally, we put up our sign (for the next largest town) at a bus stop. After about twenty minutes, and a bus or two going past, we decided we'd use some of the money we'd earned as sign holders in order to take the bus to Sherwood (I quickly asked the bus driver whether we could get a bus from Sherwood to our final destination--Lafayette, and another guy on the bus answered "Yes.") So we got to Sherwood and waited around for the LINK bus, a locally run shuttle route that was manned by an older man who didn't always stay completely on the road!! He was willing to go out of his way a little for some of the people on the bus, so Gus and I were hoping he would be able to drop us off sort of close to where the monastery was--but he ended up taking us right to the main driveway!!!!(which was probably five or ten minutes out of his way). Looking back, I'm just profoundly grateful for God's graciousness to us (in so many ways--the man who knew about the LINK bus--that he just happened to be riding at that time, through the Link bus driver going out of his way, etc.) --that we didn't have to walk for ten miles to get to the Abbey, and that we got there before dinner time (hadn't had anything to eat all day).

Amazing Grace

2006-11-20T09:18:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday night we went to the Bible study at Sarah's house--wonderful time of fellowship with a mixed group of people--homeless youth, college students, church people--quite a mix. It felt like what church is supposed to be like. I overheard this guy named Louis sharing about how he had just had a profound experience of giving up his life to Jesus--and giving up his drugs and alcohol. I had a wonderful time hearing his testimony and sharing scriptures with him--it was a very mutually encouraging time. He is the kind of guy who attracts others around him because of his deep humility and brokenness.

Last night, I saw him again at Road Warriors and was going to sit next to him, but someone else was already sitting there. I didn't get a chance to talk to him, and as he was on his way out, I noticed he didn't seem to be in the same frame of mind that I first met him in. So I followed him out, and he told me that he had relapsed. We had a long discussion, in which I heard much of his life story, and I invited him to stay with Gus and I that night in order to help him stay away from going back into drugs that night. We stayed up until 3 pm last night talking and praying with him--really felt God's presence with us.

At one point, this other guy walked up to us and gave each of us a cookie, telling us that God loved us, and that He wanted us to get off the streets, even asking me how old I was. Then he gave each of us a dollar, and reminded us again of God's love. Although I was blessed by the cookie and the dollar, and by his concern, I was disappointed that he made certain assumptions about us--that we liked to party, etc.

Anyway, later on, as we are still talking, another, different guy comes up to us, and asks us if we were praying! We answer in the affirmative and I offered him a cookie. He refused kindly, and then our friend we were praying with offers him his dollar! So we all give him our dollars and he tells us that he is a fellow believer and shares what he has learned about God with us. Eventually, I ask him to pray for us--especially for God's power to empower us for holy living, and he prays for us then and there, sitting in a circle, holding hands, knowing God's presence on a cold and windy street corner.

Lst

2006-11-18T11:04:00.000-08:00

Well, sad news--today I lost my Dr. Lic. and bnk Card. So if any of you are reading this--please pray that whoever finds it has no ulterior motives, and returns the cards back to me. The card for my credit union should be ok--I'm just gonna have them send a new one to me. But I can't do that for my Dr. Lic.! I have to go in person to CA DMV.

Violence for the sake of the people!

2006-11-17T18:18:00.000-08:00

"The Myth of Redemptive Violence is the real myth of the modern world...It, and not Judaism or Christianity or Islam, is the dominant religion in our society today...By divine right the state has the power to demand that its citizens sacrifice their lives to maintain the privileges enjoyed by the few. By divine decree it utilizes violence to cleanse the world of enemies of the state. Wealth and prosperity are the right of those who rule in such a state. And the name of God—any god, the Christian God included—can be invoked as having specially blessed and favored the supremacy of the chosen nation and its ruling caste."
--Walter Wink The Powers That Be

Interestingly enough--this kind of stuff usually makes alot more sense to the homeless than it does to the average middle class evangelical.

Shipping Houses

2006-11-17T16:26:00.000-08:00

Today I worked went to Sisters of the Road Cafe--a great model of a nonprofit that bestows dignity to the homeless and poor. The way they do it is by having people work for their meals if they can't pay money--so if you work for fifteen minutes, you've earned a buck fifty credit, which is the cost of one meal. I worked for about an hour and fifteen minutes making plates of delicious--looking burritoes, and after that got to use a fraction of what I earned for a meal. I sat down across from a guy named Ray, who told me a little about himself. At one point, he mentioned that he had recently been in Africa for a year and a half, building houses for people! I asked him what his motivation was, and he just told me that he had gone there on vacation, and saw all the starving kids and wanted to do something about it! So he started building houses out of shipping containers for families in Africa--apparently, shipping containers are very durable, and very cheap, because most of the time, shipping companies don't know what to do with them, and they often end up filling up landfills! Anyway, he ran out of money and is now back in the US, and is now homeless because his sister sold his property! So he wants to start a nonprofit, having low-income kids of the city get involved in martial arts (that's what his real job is--martial arts) and then go on trips to Africa with him to help build houses out of shipping containers!!!
Anwyway, let me know if any of you know anyone involved in missions who could help support him and he could build houses for them!

Privacy

2006-11-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

As I've been homeless for the past week, one of the harder things has been the lack of alone time. Everywhere I go, there are people--where I sleep, where I eat, when I'm traveling, when I'm inside. People. Normally I like people alot. And I still do. And it's not really that bad for me, cause I don't like to be alone. But I need to be alone, and that's what is the problem. So I'm learning how to pray around other people, but hearing God's voice is hard to hear sometimes with all the noise.

Road Warriors

2006-11-13T12:27:00.000-08:00

Last night Gus and I went to a night drop in center called Road Warriors, where they served pizza and other random leftovers for a group of teenagers and early twenty-somethings. I saw Tiffany there (the girl I happened to hitch a ride up to Portland with, although her dog wasn't there). Unfortunately, we were not able to talk, because she was pretty engrossed in the movie that they were showing (Freddie Vs. Jason). I was absolutely thrilled when I heard that they were going to play that movie, and I literally jumped out of my pants in my delirious excitement. After pulling my pants back on, I decided I'd rather hang out with people than watch it (I hate horror movies with a deep passion). Fortunately, Gus and I got to hang out with Johnnie, one of the guys who came to the Bible study held at Sarah's house. He decided he would camp out with us, which was cool, so there were three of us sleeping on our tarp last night. He works at a telephone survey call center, and has only been homeless for the last four months, but during that time has contracted scabies, the flu, and other nasty things. He recommended to not sleep in the shelters because of the possibility of getting bugs like lice or scabies. One time, he spent a whole night in a corner huddled because he couldn't sleep in his sleeping bag, for fear of spreading the scabies onto it!

Sick

2006-11-13T12:17:00.000-08:00

I find myself with a cold and a sore throat. It is harder to get better when you are outside sleeping. It would really be hard if I had some kind of chronic illness, which many of the homeless have.

Houses

2006-11-12T19:52:00.000-08:00

"And tell me, people of Orphalese, what have you in these houses? And what is it you guard with fastened doors?

Have you peace, the quiet urge that reveals your power?

Have you remembrances, the glimmering arches that span the summits of the mind?

Have you beauty, that leads the heart from things fashioned of wood and stone to the holy mountain?

Tell me, have you these in your houses?

Or have you only comfort, and the lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house a guest, and becomes a host, and then a master?

Ay, and it becomes a tamer, and with hook and scourge makes puppets of your larger desires.

Though its hands are silken, its heart is of iron.

It lulls you to sleep only to stand by your bed and jeer at the dignity of the flesh.

It makes mock of your sound senses, and lays them in thistledown like fragile vessels.

Verily the lust for comfort murders the passion of the soul, and then walks grinning in the funeral.

But you, children of space, you restless in rest, you shall not be trapped nor tamed.

Your house shall be not an anchor but a mast.

It shall not be a glistening film that covers a wound, but an eyelid that guards the eye.

You shall not fold your wings that you may pass through doors, nor bend your heads that they strike not against a ceiling, nor fear to breathe lest walls should crack and fall down.

You shall not dwell in tombs made by the dead for the living.

And though of magnificence and splendour, your house shall not hold your secret nor shelter your longing.

For that which is boundless in you abides in the mansion of the sky, whose door is the morning mist, and whose windows are the songs and the silences of night."

A quote from The Prophet, by Kahlil Gibran, one of my favorite poems.

William Stringfellow and home

2006-11-12T19:47:00.000-08:00

I was in the library tonight, reading a book called My People is the Enemy by William Stringfellow, a white lawyer who moved into East Harlem in the 60's, just fresh out of Harvard Law School. He moved into a smelly tenement filled with cockroaches, with water dripping out of the toilet, and the whole place was only 25 by 12 feet. In the introduction, he writes the following:

"This was to be my home.
I wondered, for a moment, why.
Then I remembered that this is the sort of place in which most people live, in most of the world, for most of the time. This or something worse.
Then I was home."

It is humbling to realize that in my short period of time on the streets, I am living at a level that in many ways is not even as bad as what most people are going through throughout the world. I get plenty to eat--the soup kitchens are open for practically every meal, seven days a week. I do walk a heck of alot, but that is nothing compared to the agonizing work that many have to endure day to day, week after week, year after year, and with hardly any compensation. As far as sleeping goes, I have a great sleeping bag that keeps me quite warm and dry, and we sleep under a bridge so that the rain cannot touch us. As far as the toilet, although sometimes it is hard to find a place to use the facilities, I am still able to use fine toilets--a luxury many in the two-thirds world are unable to access on a regular basis.
So, even though I am "homeless," my living conditions are quite grand compared to many. Like Stringfellow, I think I'm rediscovering what "home" is.

Tiny Portraits

2006-11-09T19:27:00.000-08:00

In the line for dinner last night, we met a guy who was working--full time job with benefits--in a soup kitchen line! He said he barely has enough money to pay the bills, so he is forced to stand in line for his food--and he only gets to eat dinner--so he eats dinner at the missions every night--first one dinner at the Blanche House (twice through the line!) then going to another mission to get dinner there--three meals in one hour!

Yesterday, Gus and I decided we would work for a bit in order to raise money for a greyhound bus ticket over to Chicago. (I recently checked it and found out that it costs much more than I thought!) Anyhew, we heard about an opportunity to work through some other guys on the street--holding up signs for seven bucks an hour. So we went to the Burger King parking lot across the bridge on Saturday morning, and joined the little mill of men (and a couple women) who were waiting for the trucks to arrive to pick them up for work. When the first one arrived, we all gathered around it and one of the younger guys started chatting away to the truck driver, trying to be one of the ones he would pick. Gus and I looked at eachother--knowing that what he was doing was probably the last thing one should do to get picked for the job. Gus and I finally got picked by the last guy to come by--we had been standing around for about two hours until we were finally picked. (In the meantime, I shaved off the sides of my face in the parking lot with Gus' help, trying to look as clean cut as possible, because the sign picker had picked the cleanest cut men in the last pick up). So the guy picked us up and dropped us off in different locations holding up signs. We were supposed to wave them around at the oncoming traffic. This would go on for five hours--perhaps the longest time I've stayed in one five meter radius standing up! Thankfully, God was gracious enough to bless me with many smiles and waves during the time, and a wonderful conversation as well. I made it my goal to smile at everyone who drove past, and though most of the people remained in their depressed looking state, some people smiled back, and some even waved!! I think I even got a few honks, but I'm not sure. Anyway, a smile is a wonderful thing to share with people. And you never know what you'll get back. I was also able to talk with an interesting fellow named Mike--who came up to me after hearing that I had hitchhiked up from LA last week (through another guy walking along the street who must have pointed and told him about me after I mentioned it to him!) Anyways, it was good to talk with him and encourage him, because he said he doesn't have many people to talk to, and struggles with depression. Hopefully he'll take up my suggestion to start reading his Bible and connecting with God. It's funny how God sets up appointments to talk with people in His time. After my five hours were up, I was picked up by Mr. sign boss man again, and we drove around picking everyone up. After about five minutes driving, he dropped us off at the train station--not anywhere close to where we were originally picked up from in the morning. Gus and I just assumed that the stop we were dropped off at was in the "free" zone (the area where you don't have to have a ticket in order to ride). So we jumped on, and suddenly realized that we were not in the free zone, and that if a ticket checker came through, we could be fined hundreds of dollars!! So we hopped off at the next stop, and started walking back towards downtown, by this time rather miffed at sign boss dude (really friendly and nice outwardly, but I'm sure he's milking all the money he can out of us sign holders--paying us only 35 bucks in cash for it). We walked all the way back to the next stop, and decided it was ridiculous to try and make it back walking (we were trying to get back to the square by 5:15, when a Bible study for street kids was supposed to start). Anyways, the day was a reminder of how the poor are exploited with poor jobs. The Bible study afterwards was a definite relief, although both of us were tired out of our minds.

Bagpipes

2006-11-09T19:12:00.000-08:00

As Gus and I were walking through the city, me trying to keep up with his brisk walking pace, we passed by two bagpipers playing away--I love the sound of the bagpipe. They were playing Christmas songs, and as I heard them start to play, I asked Gus if we could just soak it in a while--enjoying the sights and sounds of the beautiful city of Portland on a winter night. As one of them started playing "Little Drummer Boy" (which happens to be one of my favorite Christmas carols) I was thinking a little about the people we've met here--how many little drummer people there are among the homeless. So many who feel that they have nothing much of anything to give to Jesus--yet He welcomes their gifts with loving, open arms. So many don't even realize they are giving gifts to Jesus, every day--a smile, and encouraging word, a spare cigarette--yes, even that.

Lunch and figures

2006-11-09T15:09:00.000-08:00

Had lunch with a lady named Sarah--a beautiful example of God's work in this world. She has lived in Portland for quite some time and has more recently been working with the homeless street kids who wander around the city "spanging" ("can you spare some change?") and drinking or doing drugs. She opened up her home to them and now has three homes for them to live in. It kind of sounds like Keith Greens work back in the 70's--he just invited people into his home and ended up forming a whole community! I was excited to hear that one of her favorite books is Chasing the Dragon by Jackie Pullinger--one of my favs. I'm looking forward to going to a Bible study she is leading this Saturday. Anyway, her son was also with us for lunch--a rather interesting guy who wants to start a community living off the land!! Sounds pretty cool to me, although some of his ideas were a little bit further than I'd probably go. Gus and him had quite a good time of it discussing different books and ideas--it's always a ball being around people who are well-read in what they are talking about. Anyway, he also spent some time on the streets of Portland--about a month, and wants to go at it again, but is only hindered by the fact that he needs to pay off a debt by working. Gus also met some guys who are going to college but are also homeless--apparently to save costs on rent.

Another piece of random info--Portland is apparently one of the better read cities in the US--and it shows--I've seen a number of homeless folks reading books as well as newspapers--just yesterday, I was talking with this one guy at lunch in the soup kitchen who had two science books with him! He said he just wanted to be smarter. Go figure.

On the road with Ava

2006-11-09T15:01:00.000-08:00

I wonder why our paths crossed so unusually,
at Weed truck stop
You and your dog--queens of the road
Yet, you do not know why you go
And when will you stop running away?
Away from your past, even your future--
you live in the now
the back of a truck,
rushing along the rails between steel walls at distance speeds,
the dewy wet fields of green your made-up bed.

I hope, one day, you will find what you're looking for.

Homeless in Portland

2006-11-08T16:27:00.000-08:00

Well, after a two day hitchhike with truckers up to Portland, OR, from Los angeles, I am finally here in Portland, and with Gus, my travelling partner. Here is the story so far:

After getting dropped off in Santa Clarita by my good and longsuffering friend Tim, I was able to get a ride at a truck stop after only an hour and a half. Then, I was dropped off near Sacramento, and tried to sleep in the truck stop, but couldn't. Thank God, I got a ride in the morning from a nice trucker named Ishmael. He dropped me off in a lovely little town called Weed, in northern Cali, under beautiful Mount Shasta. Wow--it was amazing. I was so tired, I decided to camp out in a field near the truck stop--this was at about noon. (I wasn't hungry, because Ishmael had bought me some lunch). Then I got a ride up the next morning, and surprisingly, the trucker was willing to take up another hitchhiker along with me--a girl named Tiffany, who had a dog along with her! He dropped us off in Portland about 6 pm last night, and I decided to eat dinner at a local mission. Unfortunately, the mission's policy was to have people listen to a 45 minute evangelistic sermon before we could eat. As some of you may know, I am less than thrilled with Christian organizations which require people to listen to their spiel before letting them recieve services. If the spiritual stuff was voluntary, so that the homeless could attend if they wanted to, I would be cool with that. Of course, the problem is, probably no one would come! :) Which is why they make it mandatory. Unless, of course, they changed the whole thing, and made the spiritual aspect more of a discipleship course instead of the same message over and over again each night. Anyway, after the meal, I had to find a place to sleep, so I started wandering around the city--it was dark and kind of wet, and I went under a bridge, noticing a number of people already camped out next to the train stop. I kept on wandering around, looking for a spot where there would be less people. As I went under one bridge, I noticed that there was one empty space (not filled with a person sleeping). As I looked at it, deciding whether I wanted to sleep there, I picked up a spot of cardboard to clear the spot, hoping it wasn't some kind of marker that someone had left there to reserve their spot with.
RRRRRRRRRaaaaaaaahhggghhhn
Suddenly, a big black dog leaped out of nowhere, growling and barking at me. Thankfully, he didn't have a mind to bite me, (perhaps because my feet took to flying for a couple seconds). Apparently, dogs are helpful companions/protectors for the homeless. After that, I bunked down in a little corner that had an awning next to a building that had a sign on it: World Trade Center. I was able to sleep there for an hour and a half before getting woken up by two men who were I guess security guards for the building. I was nice to them, and they were nice to me. So, off I went, travelling along the edge of the Willamette River, looking for a good bridge. Finally, I made my way under an overpass, and found a dirt spot with no one there, and was able to sleep for a good 9 hours. After packing up, I made my way around the city, accomplishing various tasks like--eating at a mission, going to the library so I could send this to you all, and!!! finding my long lost companion Gus through G chat at the other library in the city. :)

Should the Bible be taken literally?

2006-01-13T20:59:00.000-08:00

Quote from George Mueller, from Andrew Murray's book With Christ in the School of Prayer:

‘It had pleased God, in His abundant mercy, to bring my mind into such a state, that I was willing to carry out into my life whatever I should find in the Scriptures. I could say, “I will do His will,” and it was on that account, I believe, that I saw which “doctrine is of God.”—And I would observe here, by the way, that the passage to which I have just alluded (John vii. 17) has been a most remarkable comment to me on many doctrines and precepts of our most holy faith. For instance: “Resist not evil; but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee, turn not thou away. Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you” (Matt. v. 39-44). “Sell that ye have, and give alms”(Luke xii. 33). “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another”(Rom. xii. 8). It may be said, “Surely these passages cannot be taken literally, for how then would the people of God be able to pass through the world?” The state of mind enjoined in John vii. 17 will cause such objections to vanish. WHOSOEVER IS WILLING TO ACT OUT these commandments of the Lord LITERALLY, will, I believe, be led with me to see that to take them LITERALLY is the will of God.—Those who do so take them will doubtless often be brought into difficulties, hard to the flesh to bear, but these will have a tendency to make them constantly feel that they are strangers and pilgrims here, that this world is not their home, and thus to throw them more upon God, who will assuredly help us through any difficulty into which we may be brought by seeking to act in obedience to His word.’

This implicit surrender to God’s word led him to certain views and conduct in regard to money, which mightily influenced his future life. They had their root in the conviction that money was a Divine stewardship, and that all money had therefore to be received and dispensed in direct fellowship with God Himself. This led him to the adoption of the following four great rules: 1. Not to receive any fixed salary, both because in the collecting of it there was often much that was at variance with the freewill offering with which God’s service is to be maintained, and in the receiving of it a danger of placing more dependence on human sources of income than in the living God Himself. 2. Never to ask any human being for help, however great the need might be, but to make his wants known to the God who has promised to care for His servants and to hear their prayer. 3. To take this command (Luke xii. 33) literally, ‘Sell that thou hast and give alms,’ and never to save up money, but to spend all God entrusted to him on God’s poor, on the work of His kingdom. 4. Also to take Rom. xiii. 8, ‘Owe no man anything,’ literally, and never to buy on credit, or be in debt for anything, but to trust God to provide.

This mode of living was not easy at first. But Muller testifies it was most blessed in bringing the soul to rest in God, and drawing it into closer union with Himself when inclined to backslide. ‘For it will not do, it is not possible, to live in sin, and at the same time, by communion with God, to draw down from heaven everything one needs for the life that now is.’

The Space Between

2005-12-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

Father,

Please grant that this road we travel,

Together,

Alone,

Would not so shock us that we turn off the path,

Would not so frighten us that we turn our eyes from You,

Would not so hurt us that we despair your touch,

Would not so grieve us that we lose our strength in joy,

Would not so comfort us that we forget the truth,

And yet, we know

Father,

That all these things may happen

And we can only rest in Your love

In the space between our “was” and Your “will be”

Life is Banal if it doesn't suck

2005-12-05T18:18:00.000-08:00

Contrary to what might be expected, I look back on experiences that at the time seemed especially desolating and painful. I look back upon them with particular satisfaction. Indeed, I can say with complete truthfulness that everything I have learned in my 75 years in this world, everything that has truly enhanced and enlightened my existence has been through affliction and not through happiness whether pursued or attained. In other words, I say this, if it were to be possible to eliminate affliction from our earthly existence by means of some drug or other medical mumbo-jumbo, the result would not be to make life delectable, but to make it too banal and trivial to be endurable. This, of course, is what the cross signifies and it is the cross, more than anything else, that has called me inexorably to Christ.

--Malcom Muggeridge

Beer and Luke 4

2005-11-18T18:49:00.000-08:00

A while ago, I came back from work and parked outside of our neighbors house and walked up to say hi to them as they were on the porch. I got into a discussion with Rudy and Carlos--about my job, about God, about the Bible, and it was really cool. Just a cool Autumn night with two neighbors, in the "hood." Carlos talked with me about Luke 4, where Jesus preaches up a storm--"The Spirit of the sovereign Lord is upon me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the POOR!" We shared back and forth, talking about how foolish it was to disbelieve in the existence of God when his handiwork is all around us!
As we talked, Rudy got out a beer and gave one to Carlos, but didn't give one to me. I realized that he probably thought I didn't drink (and that's partially true--I don't really like the taste or expense of alcohol, but I have no moral qualms about drinking responsibly), so I asked him for one too. He visibly brightened and handed me one, and offered me another one when I finished it (which I didn't take). In sharing this story, I'm reminded of a comment my internship director made about incarnational living. He shared that something as simple as letting people into your house with shoes on can be a way of not forcing your own cultural expectations on others (that is, if you are Asian-American and used to leaving your shoes at the door before walking into the house). So go ahead and have a beer with your neighbors--it can be alot of fun.

4 cardinal rules in prayer according to Brennan Manning

2005-11-02T23:10:00.000-08:00

1. You learn to pray by praying. There's no substitute for putting in time.

2. Pray as you can don't pray as you can't. Pray in the way that is simplest for you.

3. Don't just pray when you feel like it. "If you talk to your spouse only when you feel like it there might be long periods of silence."

4. ("the last and most important") Intensity of desire. How badly do we wish to see Jesus? How badly.

Rommel

2005-11-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

Erwin Rommel was the only Nazi who had a museum dedicated to his person and career. He was known as the "Desert Fox," for his deft maneuvering of tank forces in North Africa during the Second World War.
Rommel is also the name of one of my coworkers in my Americorps program. Elliot (one of my fellow interns who is also working for Americorps Hope for the Homeless) and I were talking with him in between training meetings today, and he shared some profound things about his life. Our conversation moved from talking about the Lakers to his own personal life story. He grew up in a strong Christian family in south central LA and became a successful Christian minister at a large church. Nevertheless, his strong upbringing and commitment to follow Jesus as a servant of the church did not prevent him from getting involved with drugs, and his life went down in a messy spiral. For 15 years he was caught in drug addictions, until he gave up his life again to God and has been sober now for a while. Rommel made a statement that really stuck out to me--something that makes me question my own commitment to Jesus. He said that he never thought he would get into drugs--he thought he was immune to stuff like that. He took his Christian life for granted, and that opened up the door for Satan to tempt him and bring him down. He challenged Elliot and I to not take our holiness for granted--to continue seeking God and not to ever think that we are immune from sin. Quite a sobering word. I am looking forward to getting to know Rommel and my other Amercorps comrades better (most of the Americorps members with Hope for the Homeless have been homeless recently and are on their way to trying to find some stability).

Test of Spiritual Character

2005-11-02T00:37:00.000-08:00

Just listened to a little interview online with Dallas Willard, author or Renovation of the Heart. He talks about some indicators of our spiritual maturity. One of them is how easy it is for us to be irritated. Irritation comes out of overconcern and lack of rest and trying to hard to make something happen, which are destructive things for the spirit.
Another indicator is in the form of a little story--If you're driving down the highway and you see an accident, what is the natural response of your heart? If it's to rise up to God in prayer and to invoke the presence of his kingdom and his angels, then you're in a pretty good place. But if you don't, then somehow you're mind is not in the right place.
Finally--your capacity to pay attention to the people you're dealing with is an indicator of where you're heart is at.

Interesting practical considerations. I'm increasingly convinced that what I need, and what we need, is not necessarily more good teaching about Jesus, but more living examples of people who are actually living like Jesus in our everyday lives.

"The spirit blows, but you must hoist your sail."
--Francois Fenelon

The Inquisitor

2005-10-29T21:24:00.000-07:00

I heard you said you would die for Me—

Remember Peter?

Do you truly love me? You say it so often—Is it a part of you?

When you sing out to Me—I AM

Do you truly know that?—I AM

All the time…

Everywhere.

Listen

Can you see Me?

I AM here

My child,

Do you truly love me more than these?

Do you truly love me?

Do you love me?

I love you

Humbling

2005-10-27T14:44:00.000-07:00

Excert from a book by a young Catholic priest named Henri Perrin who sought to identify with the working poor of France by working in the factories as a "priest-worker." Here, he talks about some young middle class young Catholics in his day who sound frighteningly like myself. Perhaps you may find yourself here, too.

“I retain from this and other meetings I had during the holidays with young Catholics the painful impression that many of these young people are, so to speak, branded with a kind of impotence. Many of them come from ‘comfortable families’—materially and morally (middle-class education)—and, for all their zeal and generosity, retain the imprint of a deep indifference, the indifference of people who don’t have to fight against life. It is as if, because they “possess” the Truth (!) and a minimum of comfort in their daily living conditions, they have been established forever in quiet happiness. Their generosity appears as a virtue of perfection—praiseworthy, no doubt—rather than as a vital necessity, as it is for someone who has to pull himself and others out of destitution. The outcome seems to be a sort of impotence or spiritual infantilism.”

I was inspired to put this quote on my blog after reading from Jacob's blog. Check out his post here.

Pride

2005-10-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

Today, our pilate light for our house heating was not lit. Apparently the gas guy can't do it if its under the house. Shucks.
Previously, in anticipation of our house being heated up again, I had a little discussion about our need for heat with my roommate. I went on a little soapbox about how we didn't really need our house to be heated up in the winter and how we could just put more clothes on and save on energy. I also mentioned that my preference would be to have no heat at all. A little while later, he asked me what I thought of Christians who didn't live simple lives, and I said, well, I get annoyed with them, and sad, even though I know I'm not living as simple of a life as I would like to live. This led into a discussion about the house heating, and I realized as my roommate and I chatted that I am a very prideful man. I tend to explain my personal preferences in such a way that others think that I think that somehow they're less "spiritual" if they don't do things the same way. It's something in the way I say it, and its something in my heart that is really messed up.
Hidden pride is a wretched thing.

Evangelism and Social Action

2005-10-24T13:40:00.000-07:00

At the same conference that I mentioned in my previous post ONE, I attended a workshop that got into quite a heated discussion. The presenter was talking about street kids and the best ways that we can go about helping them. At one point, he was arguing that the best way to reach the lost world is to focus on kids, because most people become Christians between the ages of 4 and 14. In the midst of talking about social programs to help street kids, he advocated that we should not only be focusing our evangelistic efforts on the 10/40 window (modern missions strategy says we should seek to reach the lost in this geographic area centered in India and China because the most unreached people groups live in this area) but on the 4-14 window. Well, these comments produced a great deal of discomfort in some people in the audience. One lady voiced her concerns about seeking to reach out to help the poor for the purpose of evangelism. She basically was concerned that if we seek to help the poor based on how receptive we think they will be to the gospel, then we are not truly concerned for their needs. It is an interesting perspective, which I think I agree with, though I actually believe that it is much more important for people's spiritual needs to be met than their physical needs (even though I also believe that the physical and spiritual realms are interconnected much more closely than modern western thought since Plato would have us believe).
Anyhew, here are some quotes from two very insightful books that may shed some light on the issue:
By the way, I don't necessarily agree with these selections word-for-word, but I do think that their insights are helpful to ponder.

"By the very nature of the case, this new breed of missionaries must condemn the previous system of missionary work [that of a kind of ecclesiastical peace corps]--and one would have to agree with them in their condemnation. To bring freedom or knowledge or health or prosperity to a people in order that they become Christians is a perversion of missionary work. But what of a system that would bring them progress and developement for its own sake. How would a Christian missionary involved in such work be differentiated from agents of socio-economic systems such as communism or socialism, or even from workers for the United Nations? Or should no such differentiation be made, as some insist? Have we come to the end of the era of mission?"
The author, Vincent Donovan, wrote the following to his Bishop after seeing the failure of the mission in Africa and the lack of converts it produced:
The best way to describe realistically the state of this Christian mission is the number zero. As of this month, in the seventh year of this mission's existence, there are no adult Masai practicing Christians from Loliondo mission...
I suddenly feel the urgent need to cast aside all theories and discussions, all efforts at strategy--and simply to to these people and do the work among them for which I came to Africa. I would propose cutting myself off from the schools and the hospital (which the mission had set up) as far as these people are concerned--as well as the socializing with them--and just go to talk to them about God and the Christian message. I want to go to the Masai on daily safaris--unencumbered with the burden of selling them our school system, or begging for their children for our schools, or carrying their sick, or giving them medicine. Outside of this, I have no theory, no plan, no strategy, no gimmicks--no idea of what will come. I feel rather naked. I will begin as soon as possible.
After he arrived:
"I had to tell them that very first day, when they had all gathered, that I had come to talk about, and deal only with, God. From now on, I would not go in their kraals to sleep, nor would I drink their milk. I would no longer ask for their children for our schools. I wanted no land for mission buildings. I wanted nothing from them. Nor should they expect anything from me. I brought them no gifts, no sweets for their children, no tobacco for the elders, no beads for the women--no medicine for the sick. I had come only to talk about God. They must understand this at the beginning. If they had come for any other motive to listen to me, they must try to understand."
Incidentally, his strategy worked, and the following is a creed from the believers in Africa:

"We believe in the one High God, who out of love created the beautiful world and everything good in it. He created man and wanted man to be happy in the world. God loves the world and every nation and tribe on the earth. We have known this High God in the darkness, and now we know him in the light. God promised in the book of his word, the bible, that he would save the world and all the nations and tribes.
We believe that God, made good his promise by sending His son, Jesus Christ, a man in the flesh, a Jew by tribe, born poor in a little village, who left his home and was always on safari doing good, curing people by the power of God, teaching about God and man, showing that the meaning of religion is love. He was rejected by his people, tortured and nailed hands and feet to a cross, and died. He lay buried in th grave, but the hyenas did not touch him, and on the third day, he rose from the grave. He ascended to the skys. He is the Lord.
We believe that all our sins are forgiven through him. All who have faith in him must be sorry for their sins, be baptized in the Holy Spirit of God, live the rules of love and share the bread together in love, to announce the good news to others until Jesus comes again. We are waiting for him. He is alive. He lives. This we believe. Amen."

Selected from Christianity Rediscovered, by Vincent Donovan

And now, for a selection from Revolution in World Missions, by K.P. Yohannan:

"Throughout the Indian churches, the various mission hospitals and schools of north India are well-known. My coworkers and I eagerly looked forward to visiting some of these missionaries and seeing the local churches. To our amazement, we could not find a living congregation anywhere. The surrounding villages were as deep in spiritual darkness as they had been two hundred years before the missionaries came. As I have travelled throughout India and many other Asian nations, I have seen this same scenario repeated over and over.
[Meanwhile] I met poor, often minimally educated, native brothers involved in Gospel work in pioneer areas. They had nothing material to offer the people to whom they preached--no agricultural training and no medical relief or school program. But hundreds of souls were saved, and in a few years, a number of churches were established."
"Many times I have given my clothes, food, and money to poor people. But I never did so with the hope that it would make them come to Jesus Christ or give them the desire to repent. And neither did Jesus. He helped the poor because He loved them; but He spent most of his ministry teaching and making disciples."

Interesting, very interesting. I'd love it if people would put their thoughts in as comments. I hope I've opened up a whole can of worms :)

Perfect Timing

2005-10-24T12:22:00.000-07:00

This morning, I slept in too much. But, thankfully, my laziness was matched by God's faithfulness. At approximately 10:31, after I had taken a shower and risen from my bed of sloth, I was suddenly reminded of the fact That MY CaR Was STilL OuTsiDE On the WrONG SiDE OF ThE CURB! After plunging my hand into my jean shorts pocket for my keys and shoving the door aside on its hinge , I ran outside and saw the large behemoth of a sidewalk cleaner truck lumbering rather quickly around the corner. Racing to my car I jumped in and pulled it into our driveway just 10 seconds before the truck would have smashed my poor car into a smoking hulk. Thankfully, I didn't get the 30 big-ones ticket (cause it would have really screwed me up, being that I am worth about 40 dollars in cash right now!).
This seemingly insignificant little incident reminded me of just how awesome God is. I really needed that today.